The final countdown… (to the demise of my sanity)

I’ve personally felt that I’ve been *moderately* emotionally stable during this pregnancy so far (although I’m sure Dave would be quick to disagree…!) I’ve not had crazy mood swings or been super irritable or hyper sensitive. I genuinely think I’ve been quite balanced.

(On a serious note, I’ve had to be, as Dave’s mental health has required me to be the steady and predictable one)

But the past 10 days or so… woah. What a head fuck.

I’ve been up and down more than a hooker’s knickers. I wake up each day and I’m not sure what kind of mood I’m going to be in.

Some days I’m just so fed up with the pain and boredom after being off work for so long, and not having my normal fitness and mobility levels. Those days I feel down in the dumps.

Other days I get overwhelmed by everything, like HOW THE FUCK AM I SUDDENLY GOING TO BE A MUM IN LESS THAN A MONTH’S TIME?!

There are days when I’m just weepy because I’ve heard an emotional song or seen something sad on TV or read an emotional article in a magazine. I think it’s justifiable to cry at those things though, but the hormones make it easier for those taps to be turned on.

Sometimes I’ll get paranoid that I’ve pissed Dave off from being all over the place, and then I’ll get paranoid that his response that he is fine is a fake answer, so I’ll get even more paranoid and then I’ll misread his body language and his reaction to me questioning his behaviour gets me even more paranoid! So then I’ll just go away somewhere and cry.

The other day we discovered stretch marks underneath my belly button. Not bad purple lines but crepey ones, like I’ve had them for years and now they’re faded. I’ve never had any on my stomach before so I was gutted that after 36 weeks of no stretch marks anywhere on my body from this pregnancy, I’ve now got some. You can’t see them unless I suck my stomach in and squish the skin on my belly together, so using cream throughout my pregnancy on my belly has obviously skipped the angry purple stage and gone straight to the faded stage. But I’m dreading how my stomach will look after birth. So I’ve been feeling insecure and self-conscious about my attractiveness. Not just to Dave (because he always says the right thing and I know he loves my body no matter what) but I want to feel attractive to other men too, you know? It’s a boost to my self-esteem to know that I’ve still ‘got it’. So I’m definitely at that feeling-as-attractive-as-a-beached-whale-stage.

And then, when I’m not feeling crazy, fat, insecure, paranoid, sensitive, overwhelmed, anxious, weepy etc. I feel normal. And I try to make the most of that when it happens because even I don’t know when my mood is going to flip again! And poor old Dave just has to ride it out. I’ve told him to get used to it though as my level of crazy is going to hit Level Fucking 100 once I’ve given birth.

On another note, at my 36 week appointment last Thursday, for the first time during this pregnancy, I had high blood pressure. 3 sepearate readings during the 25 minute appointment with my midwife corroborated this.

Long story short, after a repeat visit by the community midwife to my house the following morning to check my BP again (still high) I had to be admitted to the antenatal assessment centre at my local hospital for monitoring. We were there 7 hours in total and was potentially looking at an overnight stay if it wasn’t for my bloods coming back normal and not having any other symptoms. Although the doctor said there was “trace” levels of protein in my urine from the sample I gave at the hospital (again, never happened before or even that very morning with the community midwife) he wasn’t TOO concerned. He said it could be the beginnings of pre-eclampsia so I need to be monitored closely over the next 2 weeks. I’m going to Champneys Spa with my mum overnight tomorrow for a belated birthday present and I fully expect to return from that trip completely zen.

The most frustrating thing is that I feel absolutely fine. No swelling, no headaches, no vision problems, no rib pain etc. I wouldn’t have known my blood pressure was high if it hadn’t been checked. Nevertheless, doctor’s orders are bed rest, lots of water and low caffeine/sodium intake from now on.

Something inside me tells me we may not be having a May baby, but an April baby…

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