It is what it is.

It’s 5:30am as I start to type this. I’ve been up for over an hour already. My back woke me up at 4:20am – so I managed just over 4 hours’ sleep tonight – I’ve been to the loo, did my yoga and I decided I didn’t want to spend the next couple of hours sitting up in bed not sleeping like yesterday, and silently resenting Dave as I watch him sleep soundly beside me! So I’m on the sofa, with a cup of tea, and I’ve decided to write a little post addressing the reaction from my previous post.

What was nice was that I didn’t have any negative responses to what I put – either on here, on Instagram or on Facebook. Probably because those people it would have pissed off don’t follow me anymore! Most were saying, yes me too, I get it, I want to complain and we should be able to complain but don’t feel we can. It validated what I thought.

But one commenter on here offered a perspective that I kind of knew myself, but having someone point it out to me directly really drummed it home; I simply don’t represent the TTC community anymore.

She said the I used to “eloquently” put across the reality of TTC and and all the positive and negative experiences that come with it, and although my bump and nursery shots are lovely to see, it is just a reminder of what those TTC still haven’t got yet. So I’m not to be offended, but my audience is changing and my followers reflect that.

I agree with her. I’d figured it out myself. But I find it sad.

I want to represent BOTH sides. The person who struggled for it, and the person who achieved it. And why can’t I?

Just because I’m on the other side, doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how it once was. I won’t ever forget that. Okay, I can’t write posts that reflect TTC anymore because I pretty much covered everything that could be written from my experience range before I actually fell pregnant (although I have one or two still up my sleeve), but the post I wrote back in September about being let into this exclusive club and wanting others to be let in too, still stands.

I want others to see hope in my story. I want them to be inspired and not give up. I want new followers who have not been with me since the beginning, back in September 2016 when I first started writing, to read my posts from the start so they can see that IT WAS ME TOO. I am pregnant now, but I was still trying for a lot longer than I’ve been pregnant for. I still remember the dragging months, the tears at others falling pregnant, the frustration of timed sex, the heartache with every period that came.

There is one caveat to this that I must address: the medical/IVF/adoption community. I can understand how they may not find much common ground with my journey and I wouldn’t even begin to try to understand what they are going through because we were fortunate enough not to have to go down that route. But we could so easily have done, eventually. And who’s to say we won’t need to in the future in order to conceive future children? Nothing is guaranteed. But the emotions I felt are still the same, no matter what journey towards motherhood we are all on. Natural, medical, adoption. We all WANT to be mothers and we all are STRUGGLING to achieve that.

But don’t be misled into thinking my content and pictures that I post now mean that I’ve forgotten any of that struggle.

They reflect the future.

They reflect why it is so important not to give up on your dream.

They reflect the reward for enduring the heartache before it.

They reflect the other side.

I want us to be in it together. A solidarity. Not a division of those who can and those who can’t. Those who are pregnant and those who aren’t. I want us all to be mums. I want to give hope to anyone reading who needs it. Whether that be now, or in 10 years’ time when I’m probably no longer writing but my blog is still out there to be read.

It’s why I won’t ever change my name from Mother of None. That name will always tell a story of where I started from.

I can’t stop people from not following my journey anymore because I don’t reflect their lives now. But I’m still here. Championing you all. Giving you a voice.

But it is what it is.

8 thoughts on “It is what it is.

  1. Hmm. Interesting post, and I value the ideal of it. Its nice to have hope and cheerleaders who have been through it.

    I suppose where I’m at in my own journey (and im one of those pesky ones who unfollowed, but still check in!) is that its starting to become a reality that it might not happen for me, and I’m working on trying to accept that and reassure myself that i still have worth if it never happens. So sometimes, to see posts from people who HAVE achieved it, saying/implying “dont give up” “it happened for me, it can happen for you” “i know what it was like and look at me now” “don’t give up”…. its kinda like those stories you hear about your friends neighbours sister who got pregnant as soon as she stopped trying, or the girl who tried for 5years, then as soon as she adopted, got pregnant. Its lovely for those people but its not helpful for me and where I’m at in my journey. I need to hear “it might never happen and thats OK”. And thats why I unfollowed. Nothing personal about you/any other pregnancy just me and where I’m at. Ive had it in “real life” too, and distanced myself from those friends for now. In all honesty, it makes me feel guilty for “giving up”, and I sometimes feel like it minimises the pain I’m in; having to consider a childless life is part of my self preservation. But for every girl like me, theres people who love seeing the BFP’s because they find hope in jt. After 5years, and discovering I’m not eligible for assisted conception in the UK, its hard to feel like “if they can do it so can I”.

    I hope this helps you understand why I unfollowed 😊😊😊


    1. It does. I’m just sorry that that’s your situation and potential reality 😕 You have reminded me of a post I’ve been meaning to write – how we didn’t stop trying the month we were successful (which I think some people are mistaken about me). I hope you continue to check in if it’s not too painful for you. Good luck with what’s next on your journey.


  2. I can understand why people would find it painful to continue following you now that you’re about to have what they want. In the past, I have stopped following bloggers who suddenly reappeared after a long absence saying “sorry I haven’t posted for a while, it’s because I’m pregnant!” (who, as far as I know, hadn’t even been trying and if they had definitely hadn’t struggled!). It’s just too painful to see other people easily achieve what I can’t. Personally, when I’ve seen a person struggle to get pregnant, I want to see their journey through to the end because I’m happy for them and they give me hope that *maybe* one day I can achieve that too. But I can definitely understand if people find even that too painful to look at. Bump and nursery pictures are difficult to look at even if you know the person struggled to reach that point… there’s still an element of “it’s nice that she made it, but how is it fair that she’s already close to giving birth and I’m STILL not pregnant” (and in my case no closer to finding out *why* I can’t get pregnant – we’re moving on to IUI now but there’s no guarantee it will work). Maybe your followers will come back once they achieve their dream and reading about pregnancy is no longer as hard for them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I didn’t unfollow but I wanted to offer a perspective. My husband and I had a rough patch and we stopped trying. Then things started to get better. We started to get better, and suddenly I was miraculously pregnant (when I was told the only way I could conceive is via IVF). Because I had miscarried before, I couldn’t enjoy my pregnancy at first. I cried a lot, terrified I would lose the baby. When my emotions settled and we saw a heartbeat, this pregnancy became more real than the others. However, I still wasn’t able to enjoy my pregnancy. I was sick…a lot. I was in pain…a lot. And finally all my fears were confirmed when I lost this baby too. I complained a lot on my blog while pregnant. I thought it wasn’t fair that I’ve wanted something for so long but never got a chance to enjoy it. After I lost the baby, I felt guilty especially for complaining. Even though I have no definite answer as to why I lost this baby, I truly feel that my children will have to come by other means as my body is really not interested in being pregnant for any length of time. I wouldn’t wish a MC on my worst enemy, but it hurts to see pregnant women and babies with no indication of when I’ll ever have my own. I cried many times to my husband “it’s not fair” but I was referring to no particular person just cruel fate in general. This is just my POV, but for those of us who have lost babies pregnant women and babies just reopen wounds we had thought were healed. Some people say these wounds are never truly healed and adoption is no cure for infertility. However, it’s what we’ve chosen and now it’s our best bet for having children. I quit the FB group as a coping mechanism. I distanced myself from the hoards of glowing happy pregnant women as a way to take care of my mental health. I don’t have any ill feelings toward those are are pregnant. It’s hard to see still. I imagine until I hold my own baby in my arms it will continue to be hard to see. I wish you all the best. I hope things get better for you. I hope to one day read a post that says they have.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. With what’s hapoened to you I wouldn’t blame you in the slightest for unfollowing me Jamie! My heart broke reading your story on K Squad. I completely understand everything you said and the way you’ve reacted at what’s happened. I hope you get your happy ending however you achieve it. Those are not empty words. I truly mean it x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You do write very eloquently and I am so pleased you got your happy ending as I like many was so thrilled for you when you got your BFP but I want to offer a different perspective too. You say you want to represent both sides and advocate for solidarity however when you were TTC in your journey you made quite a few disparaging remarks about seeing or being near pregnant women. So to now hear you say ‘we are all one club’ is a little hard to understand for me personally and makes it seem as if you have forgotten how you felt if you don’t understand why people might unfollow.
    I wish you the best of luck I really do but I think to suggest you can carry on representing the TTC community is naive now. Of course you can remember what it was like but because you have your rainbow baby and your happy ending. It is a very different reality for you. I mean this wholeheartedly when I said that thank goodness that you will never know what some people are going through or understand what it is like to be looking at a future with no children.
    I for one would happily lose all my followers, my house, car, money, everything if it meant I could get pregnant!
    However please don’t take what I’ve said negatively, I am so happy for you and I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and will check back in, in a few months time to see pics on your insta of baby.

    Liked by 1 person

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