Flashback to 30th July.
My twinnie, Jamie in New York, found out she was pregnant.
A bit of context before I continue – we found each other on Kindara back in December 2015 when I first started TTC and joined the app. She was one of my first followers, but she was slightly ahead of me in the game. She’d tragically suffered a missed miscarriage several months prior. Along with many other K Squad girls, we found each other on Facebook and despite the geographical distance between us, we became firm friends very quickly. This was helped massively by this scary ‘twinning’ thing we had going on.
Same age, same sport-obsessed husbands, same wedding date (including year), same honeymoon destination in Hawaii – we were staying at the same resort as each other without actually meeting! And something about us just clicked. Although our fertility journeys weren’t identical (although often our cycles and ovulation dates mirrored each other’s – it was freaky!) there was an affinity between us, as every other K Squadder fell pregnant. Except us.
The advantage of the 5-hour time distance between us meant that I could be up in the middle of the night, crying on the bathroom floor, and I knew she would be awake for me to message. Along with our mutual friend Chali. The only thing was though, Chali was pregnant (and deservedly so after an equally horrific journey to get to that point, after suffering a partial molar pregnancy before conceiving her rainbow). But Jamie got it. She truly GOT IT.
Our messages between us were so raw and honest. Don’t get me wrong, we didn’t wallow in a transatlantic pity party, but we didn’t filter our feelings either. We said things to each other we wouldn’t ever say to anyone else. We said how shit it was. We said how unfair it was. But we kept each other going.
We also exchanged hilarious messages at times. Like when she explained how she had to pick up a Prozac prescription. FOR HER CAT. Fucking Americans…
We always said it would be a serendipitous fate for us both to be pregnant at the same time. But I did feel that she was more deserving of me to fall pregnant. That she needed to be first.
And that’s exactly what happened. At the end of July, she messaged me her news. What followed was tears, lots of swearing and exclamation marks, and genuine happiness.
But then I felt deep, deep pain afterwards. This was the kind of pain that I didn’t want. Loneliness. Utter loneliness at being left behind. My twinnie had now officially overtaken me. She was pregnant. And I was not.
I spent a lot of that day crying. It didn’t help that my period was only days away too. But I also messaged her to be honest that I was finding it difficult. But again, she got it. Chali messaged me too and also expressed a level of empathy that I’ve never known in anyone except her.
I was over it by the next day. It helped that Jamie went on vacation for a week, and then I was away on holiday myself, so I had time to come to terms with the news and focus on myself. By the time I came back and we were back in touch again, I was excited for my own upcoming cycle and Jamie was – as ever – by my side.
We both got super excited about the concept of what if I got pregnant just after her? How amazing would that be? Like the ultimate destiny. But I couldn’t let myself get carried away. It just seemed too far-fetched.
But sure enough, it WAS my turn. I was always supposed to be one-cycle behind her. The month she fell pregnant was the last chance for her before starting IVF (which she was lucky enough to ‘win’ funding for). The month I fell pregnant, was when I started more invasive tests and were embarking on actual proper medical intervention to discover WHY we weren’t getting pregnant.
For both of us, neither was necessary. All it took for me to get pregnant, was for Jamie to get pregnant first.
She is nearly exactly a month ahead of me. And it feels amazing to be going through this experience together. I just wish she could be having the easy pregnancy I’m having. She’s suffered a lot of bleeding and scares in her 13 weeks, which has made me sick to my stomach with worry on her behalf. Earlier on in the week, at 11pm UK time, she was rushed to hospital because she thought she was miscarrying and I couldn’t sleep for checking my phone to see that everything was alright. I really do feel like a distant godmother to that kid!
This weekend she did the most beautiful gender reveal. Baseball themed (of course) and the video made me bawl my eyes out. Again, I stayed up late to find out (despite being stupidly tired myself because of my own pregnancy hormones). It was a combination of her choice of music, knowing the journey and heartache to get to that point, and her husband’s reaction that… THEY ARE HAVING A BOY!!!!!
Of course, part of me thinks I’m probably having a boy because the twinning thing can then continue. But the other part of me hopes I’m having a girl. And then our babies will be best friends, Skyping and Facetiming, until they eventually get married.
I think Disney should do a film about us.
What I know for sure, is that sometime in the future, I’m going to go to Noo Yawk, meet up with Jamie (like we were supposed to this Christmas, until, you know, pregnancy happened!), drink some hawt cwoffee, and cuddle our babies.
Knowing that we were exactly where fate wanted us to be all along.