Dear Cub

You’re alive!

We saw your little heart thumping away furiously inside me today! And oh my god that is a moment me and your daddy will never forget for as long as we’re alive.

Yesterday I really couldn’t relax. I was tearful and anxious. I had psyched myself up to expect to not see your heartbeat. I was preparing to mourn you, needlessly. 

This morning I was distracted at work. I still had my appetite so I was able to eat my lunch but the moment I got in the car at 1pm, the tears started falling. I was on the verge of a panic attack for the entire 40 minute journey. I just got myself in such a state. I kept telling myself, an hour from now I will either be on the top of the world, or in the depths of despair. When I finally got to the scan place and met up with your dad, I felt a little better. I got a lot of strength from seeing him and holding his hand.

My mouth was so dry in the waiting room. It was like waiting to find out of you’d got the job you’ve always wanted, but a million times worse. I was desperate for the loo too, which didn’t help.

When we got into the scanning room, I started weeping. Even just answering basic questions like my date of birth made my voice break. The lovely lady Samantha asked me how I was feeling and I was honest that my lack of morning sickness concerned me. But she immediately put my mind at rest when she checked my other symptoms and reassured me that I sounded very much pregnant. But she could see I was desperate to get on that bed.

I hopped up and tucked the paper towel over my trousers and pants. As she put the gel on my tummy, the tears started escaping down my cheeks again. The last time I was scanned, 6 weeks ago, it was to start investigating why we weren’t getting pregnant. The last time I stared at a ceiling like that, I was on my own and contemplating the journey that lay ahead in order to have a baby. 

Now I was here, holding my husband’s hand so tightly I imagine our knuckles were white. I couldn’t believe that we were actually there. It was finally OUR turn. The moment we’ve waited nearly 2 years for. 

My friends had warned me that it would take a few moments for the scanner to locate my uterus, so I was prepared to hold my breath. Samantha commented on just how full my bladder was, and she explained that she would need a few moments and not to panic.

I laid there and waited.

It must have only been 10 seconds, if that.

“There’s your baby!”

Cue 2 solid minutes of wailing.

Ugly crying like the Kardashians would be proud of.

I can still hear myself in my head now. I feel embarrassed actually. It wasn’t pretty.

But all that pent up anxiety, hope, fear, everything, just all came spilling out. With one hand I clutched Dave’s hand, and the other covered my face whilst I gave in to my wracking sobs.

Even your daddy was crying. We kissed. We hugged (as much as we could whilst I was laid down with gel on my tummy). And we shared such a special moment that I will never forget.

Eventually I recovered myself enough to look at you on the screen.

There you were Cub. Looking like a love heart. Literally. We could see your little heart beating away, your head, your buds for limbs starting to grow, your umbilical cord connecting you to me.

I thought I loved you before, but now I just feel so bonded to you after seeing you chilling out and wriggling around in there.

Samantha measured you to be a little behind than what I calculated. Based on my period I’m 8 weeks 3 days but you’re measuring 7 weeks 5 days which makes sense with ovulation. We’ll have a more accurate date at our 12 week scan at the end of the month. Although Samantha thinks you’re more like bang on 8 weeks with your strength and size. She said my womb looked perfect too – a nice thick cosy home with no evidence of any bleeds or anything. And your placenta IS on the front wall of my uterus, hence why I have a belly and I’m showing already. There’ll be no hiding you before 12 weeks!

Samantha says our chance of carrying you to full term and holding you in our arms next May is 95%. That is my favourite number right now. I’m focusing on that. No more googling for me. Promise.

Your daddy has never looked so happy. I’m so thrilled that you are the cause of that. He keeps saying “we’ve made a baby, half of us, and it’s inside of you!” It still doesn’t feel real.  I know it is though.

We left that place on cloud 9. We drove straight to your grandparents. My dad was out but naturally I spoke to him on the phone and called him grandad and WhatsApped him your first picture and videos of your heartbeat. My mum is over the moon! She seems so excited to be a grandmother. The funniest thing is both her and my dad have been googling names to call THEMSELVES! They’ve even researched foreign names. I mean, really. What’s the matter with nanny and grandad eh? But they’re a funny pair. And soon you’ll get to meet those crazy cats.

Your daddy and I came home a family of three. We knew you were in there before, but now you’re no longer 2 pink (or blue) lines on a gazillion tests in our bathroom. You’re a heart-shaped Cub in my tummy. And we can’t wait to see you again at the end of the month.

And I will try not to embarrass you with my Kardashian ugly cry next time… but I can’t promise you that.

Cub, we love you so much. So much. Get cosy. Chill out. Keep growing strong and healthy. See you in a few weeks.

Love Mama Bear and Papa Bear xxx

11 thoughts on “Dear Cub

  1. Yay yay yay yay!!!
    I ugly cried at our scan too! Only stopped recently seeing I’m getting scanned every 2
    Weeks lol.
    Congrats 🙂
    My parents are “Bunny” and “Rabs” not sure how or why that came about but I’ve had 3 years to get used to it from my sister’s kids 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I cried so hard at hearing the heartbeat that the picture we got shows the beat changing at the exact moment I started crying. We’ll treasure it forever. I know exactly how you feel and I am so, so, so very happy for you and yours. Congratulations!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. As I’m trying to sleep with my baby boy, I’m reading your post and it made my cry. I also felt tears running down from my cheek and my nose trembling the moment I saw our baby’s heartbeat. He is 7 weeks now and still he makes me weepy all the time. It is worth the wait for sure. I wish you the same, get to hold your baby in your arms safe and sound at the end of this journey x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Aaaah, I’m so, so happy for you! This post even made me emotional (or that could just be my period?!). I am so pleased this is working out for one of us. You and Dave are going to be the BEST parents.
    The end of the month will roll around so fast… can’t wait to read all about scan number 2!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Aw that’s so lovely! I remember being terrified before my first scan as well! Once the doctor said she saw the baby and the heartbeat I burst into tears! Took awhile to compose myself in order to ask questions. I think it was mainly from the relief that everything was ok! Pregnancy after infertility is hard as there is so much extra anxiety. I’m delighted to read about your happy scan! x

    Liked by 1 person

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