So I’ve had a lovely morning today, although it didn’t start too great.
I woke up at 3am wailing and crying after a nightmare about having a miscarriage. All I remember is going to the toilet, wiping and seeing blood, and collapsing and crying. It was horrific. I woke up feeling so upset, but after a few seconds of getting my bearings again, feeling utter relief that is was ‘just’ a dream, and I was still very much pregnant.
I think it’s because that fear of miscarrying has been playing in the back of my mind since discovering we were pregnant. Dave won’t let me talk about my fears. He’s been very much hands-in-his-ears-la-la-la-I-can’t-hear-you mode. I understand though, but sometimes I want him to just let me say what I need to say, then we can comfort and reassure each other before moving on again.
I’ve had mild cramping and backache again today. I keep telling myself that it’s all normal, that my uterus is just stretching for Cub, but I can’t help being on knicker-watch. I think I’ll always fearfully look down whenever I go to the toilet. So far, I’ve been so lucky with not having any spotting or bleeding (or nausea for that matter). But I’ve been reading different Instagram accounts about miscarriage, which isn’t helping my anxiety at all. Ladies who have been just as excited as me and then they’ve discovered they’ve had a missed miscarriage. I’ve been close to a panic attack at times. I know I just need to trust my body, as there’s nothing I can do anyway, but I honestly don’t know how I’d pick myself up again if the worst happened, after waiting so so long for our happy ending. I’m trying hard not to dwell on it though.
Dave and I had a lovely breakfast date at Starbucks this morning. This is my favourite time of the year: pumpkin spiced lattes, layers of warm clothing, autumn colours. I loved the fact that I had a big breakfast order of a latte, sausage sandwich AND a butter croissant (plus a cookie and cake to take away for later!) and Dave justified it to the barista that it was because I was pregnant!
We went into Mothercare to browse the stuff for the first time ever. 5 years ago you wouldn’t have got me in there even if you dragged me in kicking and screaming. Now I was so emotional walking in after waiting for so long to have a reason to be in there. Dave and I just walked round in awe – and shock at the fucking price of everything! Seeing all the bear themed stuff for Cub is what got the tears flowing. I just can’t wait. I can’t wait. We had so much fun picking stuff out and taking photos, imagining the furniture in the nursery. We bought the perfect Baby book (bear themed of course!) as our first purchase. I won’t fill it in until the 12 week scan though.
Then we popped into Mamas and Papas. I noticed the sign in the window saying that they were holding an event for parents-to-be on 15th October. A lovely lady (who happened to be the manager) took our details down to book us on the event and she said congratulations and asked when baby was due. I said we were ‘only’ 7 weeks so it was due in May but I felt the need to explain that it took us nearly 2 years to get to this point. Then I started crying at saying that out loud to a complete stranger. Dave got teary-eyed too. The manager said she can’t wait til we come back in May to show off our baby to them for them all to coo over.
I desperately, desperately want to be able to do that.
Keep growing Cub xxx