Today is the first time since I found out I was pregnant that I’ve NOT peed on a stick.
It was hard.
I have 14 tests sitting on top of the bathroom drawer tower. Dave and I stare at them (separately) every day. Each stick is a reminder that we have a baby in my tummy. It’s wonderful to have a visual reminder when I don’t ‘feel’ pregnant yet.
Pissing on sticks gets very expensive. And I can’t keep doing that forever. But it has been really reassuring so far. That, and temping.
But today I had no stick to piss on, or spare money to buy more sticks. The lines have been strong, the digital tests have progressed from 1-2 weeks to 2-3 weeks, and I’m not planning on using another digital until the weekend when I hope it will say 3+ weeks.
In the meantime, I’ll keep temping to comfort myself. I’ll temp until my 12 weeks scan I think.
I need that reassurance that everything is okay. My temp shot up again this morning, despite me being cold from sleeping naked last night, so that made me feel better about not pisisng on a stick this morning! Only a bit though.
I suppose the reason I haven’t ‘felt’ pregnant today is because I had such strong symptoms yesterday (bad cramps and stretching, severe backache, nauseous, loose tummy, tired, incredibly painful boobs, constantly hungry, weeing loads) whereas today I’ve just had mildly painful boobs. And I’ve been so rushed at work that I don’t even have time to stop and really think about how I’m feeling. It’s not til I get home and things are quiet that I can tune into my body again.
I still check my knickers every time I go to the toilet in case there’s blood there. And even if I see none, I still wipe quite high up inside in case there’s any spotting on the toilet paper. I just can’t relax. I don’t think I ever will.
But a silly part of me feels like if I stopped pissing on pregnancy tests, I’m telling the universe I’m not bothered about being pregnant anymore. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.
I had really bad OCD growing up to relieve suppressed anxieties (which ironically, made them worse) so I would do things ‘in case’ if I didn’t, bad things would happen. So if I didn’t hold my breath for a certain amount of time, my parents would die. If I blinked a certain number of times, it would keep my dog safe from harm. If I didn’t twitch or touch something enough times then something bad would happen (like failing an exam, or missing the bus etc.) I eventually grew out of it by forcing myself to realise that these bad things I feared would happen DIDN’T happen if I didn’t hold my breath/blink/touch the light switch.
I’m worried that this will come back. That cute habits will become compulsions. That I’ll tie myself up in knots doing rituals in order to keep my pregnancy going and protect my baby.
So one habit I’m breaking is the pregnancy test thing. NOT PISSING ON A STICK ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.
Another thing is Dave kissing my tummy whenever I leave the house or arrive back home. I don’t want to rely on that. IF DAVE DOESN’T KISS MY TUMMY, NOTHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE BABY.
I need to relax more. I need to trust my body. I need to believe this cub is sticky, and I will hold him or her in my arms next May.
And I’m not going to fucking hold my breath, blink, twitch or touch things in the meantime!