Dear Cub – 5 weeks | 2 days

Today it is your daddy’s 32nd birthday!

You are the best birthday present I could ever give him. He used to talk about not looking forward to turning 32. I think it was because he was getting older but his life wasn’t moving forward in the way he wanted to. But now he is on the cusp of taking over his business, and you are on the way, he is the happiest I have seen him in a long time.

In fact, back in April, your daddy was in a very low place mentally. There were times I was really worried about him. I wanted  desperately to give him a baby because I knew that would fix him. It would give him a focus. A reason to live. And I just couldn’t give him that. It made me feel so sad and helpless. And like a failure.

But you knew you were coming. You were just waiting for the perfect moment to come into our lives. And now you are here in our lives. And you have changed my husband in ways that I can’t even begin to describe.

I gave him a card with a picture of you on it today. Well, all “from the bump” cards are supposed to have a scan photo on them which we don’t have yet, so I used a picture of a beautiful pregnancy test instead. I wrote it from you. I out that you couldn’t wait to meet him, and that you loved him so much already. It made him cry a little bit.

We went out to dinner with family on Friday night to celebrate your daddy’s birthday. We had a good laugh discussing your future name. We’re agreed on a girl’s name, but we’re struggling to decide on a boy’s name. Maybe that’s because you ARE a girl? I don’t have any instinct either way yet.

And then we can’t help shake off the sneaky suspicion that there may be another one of you in there. I don’t think so though. We did another digital test today and it said 2-3 weeks, which is right on track for you. I think if it said 3+ weeks I’d be putting a bet on twins! We’ll know for sure at your 8 week scan though – we can’t wait!

You’re still making me feel very light headed and dizzy. I have to be really careful standing up from sitting down, or even laying down. And you’ve made my boobs feel like painful bricks! Bra or no bra – everything hurts. Walking downstairs, laying on my front… my tits are a NO-GO ZONE. Your Dad’s not happy about that…

I’m also still really bloated, and I put on 1.5lbs when I weighed in at slimming world last week. I’m in this in between stage where I’m not sure what to wear without making me look fat, or it’ll be a giveaway that I’m pregnant. Dressing for work is going to take a lot more thought from now on – it would be so much simpler if I could wear my joggers and hoodies everyday! Loose tops it is then.

I’ve had some cramping all day today. It’s hard not to worry and keep checking my knickers every time I go to the toilet. I’m so fearful I’ll see bleeding because the cramps are just like period pain. But I keep telling myself it’s just you getting comfy in there. I haven’t got backache anymore. And instead I have stretching in my lower abdomen and an occasional stab by vag. 

I haven’t felt sick yet. My mum says she didn’t experience that with my brother or me, but every woman is different. But you can do whatever you want to me Cub, give me whatever symptoms you like, just please make yourself at home.
Yesterday, I did a 5K inflatable fun run. Except I didn’t run. We booked to do it a few months back, before we knew you would be in our lives. I still did it because the money had been paid and it looked like such good fun. But I walked it. And I took super care of myself on each of the inflatable obstacles. That meant no bouncing, no slipping over, no silly risks. Your dad didn’t want me to do it but he knows I’m a stubborn little shit, so he compromised by not letting me do the last obstacle – a drop, or a long slide. As much as I wanted to do them, I was happy to skip them. Keeping you safe was my number one priority. I can’t help but look at the photos and smile, knowing that you were in my tummy throughout the whole thing.

Your dad and I watched the film Life last night, a science fiction-cum-horror about an alien life form that grows out of control on a spaceship and ends up making its way to Earth. There was a scene in it, where this thing went inside one of the astronauts. It ate him from the inside out, feeding from him. Your dad said that’s what you’re doing in me. I freaked the fuck out at that. He’s a bastard. He knows I’ve always compared pregnancy to Alien. Ugh. Please don’t do that to me Cub.

I feel like I can’t dedicate as much time as I want to you just yet, or to this blog, or planning the future. Work is just so manic at the moment because it’s the start of the year,  it I’m sure it’ll settle down soon and then I can spend my evenings and weekends daydreaming about you.

In the meantime, get snuggly in there Cub. Love you xxx

7 thoughts on “Dear Cub – 5 weeks | 2 days

  1. I find girl’s names much, much easier than boy’s names and I’m not even pregnant yet… knowing my luck I’ll end up with all boys πŸ˜‰ What makes it harder is needing a name that can be pronounced in German or English but doesn’t sound *too* English since names like Kevin are considered chavvy. There are so many girl’s names with the same (or almost the same) pronunciation – Anna, Emma, Lara, Natasha. Not that I would pick any of those but the options are there! For boys you’re pretty much left with Daniel, Tobi or Thomas!

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  2. I always used to be scared when I went to the loo just incase I saw some bleeding! Especially because all the growing and stretching pains do feel similar to period cramps! I did have the occasional spotting and so did my other half’s sister in law. For me it was after having some adult fun, it caused irritation that caused a bit of bleeding. For the sister in law I’m not too sure but the midwife scanned her again for reassurance and told her to take a few days off work and just rest up. Bleeding in pregnancy is scary, and all the reassuring stories in the world won’t take any of the worry away (including this). I did find I felt a little less nervous about it when I could feel him kicking and rolling around in there though!

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  3. I checked my undies every. Single. Fucking. Time. Until about 16 weeks. I changed the light in my bathroom so I’d be able to tell at night time with the baby light on (constant wee is totally a thing!!). Plus I went an extra 4000 times on top of the 8000 times my body was demanding it 😁

    I had full panic attacks out of fear.

    And I like to imagine my baby hanging around, being ok with how nervous I am. Every time there wasn’t anything, the voice in my head getting a miniscule amount louder, saying maybe it is ok.

    Love your writing. Obviously. 😊

    And don’t forget, you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t owe fellow TTC-ers anything. You are allowed this joy. [Which is painful for others, and that sucks balls, but is not your responsibility to fix, or hide, or submit to] *patronising rant over*


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