And I’m not too sure how to feel about them.
So I got my AMH result on Tuesday. I was literally putting the key into the car ignition to drive to a football match when the doctor rang (not my normal one, the one who has to Google everything whilst he’s on the phone to me).
Essentially, your AMH level tells you what your egg reserve is like. Obviously the older you get as a woman, your number of eggs decrease, but some women can have a low egg reserve long before the menopause. The number was 28.5 pmol/l, which according to my age of 31, literally puts me smack bang on the borderline between satisfactory fertility and optimal fertility.
Now, at least it’s not low. But I can’t help thinking should I be in the optimal range? Or is it normal for me to be where I am because of my age? Teenagers and twenty somethings would be in the optimal range, no? But now I’m in my 30s obviously my reserves are declining? But not to panic? You can tell I’m not sure, because Dr Knobhead was his usual helpful self.
I had saved the levels off the internet before I knew my results so I had a quick reference guide on my phone for when they came in, but obviously a Doctor being a professional, I thought I’d ask him.
“So is 28.5 good?”
“Well I think so. It says the normal range is between 17 and 40 so… I’m not a fertility expert so I’d have to Google it.”
Don’t worry doctor, I’ve already done it for you FFS.
So I’m still nonethewiser as to whether I can relax about that number or not.
Then today I rang to see if my scan results were in. The receptionist said my doctor (the original doctor that requested these tests, not Doctor Knobhead), had written on my notes “possible PCOS”.
Again, what do I make of that? Possible. Possible I do, possibly I don’t.
I personally don’t think I do. I don’t have the telltale signs. I have regular periods – granted, they’re not regular to the day, but I have one every month, between 29 days and 33. 30 days being my average. I don’t have painful periods or ovulation pains. I DO ovulate, although lately it’s gone a bit shitty. I don’t have excess body hair, or facial hair. I don’t have acne. I’m not fat – yes I’ve been losing weight but that was because I’d let myself go. And it hasn’t been difficult to shift it. Plus my blood tests showed my testosterone levels were normal.
But then on the other hand, my reflexologist did say I had a misbehaving ovary (I can’t remember which side now) and this is proven in my charts – one month the ovulation is squiffy and unclear, the next month (like this cycle) it’s picture perfect. So maybe the dodgy ovary does have some cysts on it, but the other one doesn’t, which is why my doctor thinks it is ‘possible’ not ‘certain’. I also realise that every person’s symptoms are different. And women could have it all their life and have children and never know they have it,
The receptionist asked if I’d like the doctor to ring me tomorrow to talk through my results and what we’ll do next. Unfortunately though, I can’t pick a time, and I’m back at work tomorrow. I’ve requested 12pm as it’s my lunchtime but it will be whenever he’s finished his morning appointments. This is not ideal. I don’t want to have to find a quiet place at work with 50 people milling around, especially as I can’t predict if I’ll cry at not. ANYTHING to do with fertility these days makes me cry at the drop of a hat.
So, as I say, I’m not sure how to feel about any of this.
I know people get pregnant with PCOS all the time so it’s not the end of the world. And there could be far worse problems. I have eggs left. I ovulate. This is a solid starting point.
But I can’t help feeling like I don’t WANT this label.
I know it’s stupid, and I know I’m not alone and there probably isn’t a single person out there without something ‘wrong’ with them, but I can’t help feel like a partial failure. Like my body is broken and is not doing what it should be doing. I don’t want to go on Clomid or other drugs that give you shitty side effects like bloating and gaining weight and low mood.
I want to be able to get pregnant on my own with my husband without all of this fucking shit.
But at the end of the day, I just want a baby. And that’s more important than my stupid misguided feelings on labels.
If there’s something ‘wrong’ then we can go about fixing it.
I just wish there wasn’t anything to have to fix in the first place…