There. I said it.
If you don’t want to potentially be offended then stop reading now.
To misquote the Lesley Gore song, it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to.
I have a reputation in real life for calling things how I see them, and that has made me quite renowned with my blog too. I have been recognised for saying the controversial things that other people want to, but can’t.
So I’m going to say what I know thousands of people will agree with.
There are women out there who do not deserve their children. Who are able to fall pregnant when they should have at least done a parenting course before they conceived. Who have children that should have been removed at birth. Who quite simply, should have had their tubes tied before a penis first ever entered their vagina.
(I want to clarify that this post is not aimed at struggling mothers who just can’t cut a break, mothers with mental health issues, mothers with PND, mothers who are trapped in poverty but still put the needs of their kids first, mothers who have escaped absuive relationships, mothers who have turned their lives around, mothers who have given up their kids for adoption, mothers who have had abortions etc.)
There are women who smoke and during their pregnancy, give birth to a premature child, and then have the fucking audacity to call the midwife a bitch for doing her job and putting the welfare of the child before the mother. And yes I will pass judgement on them because I am the product of a mother who smoked during her entire pregnancy but she did at least try to quit but I was still born with asthma and other issues that could be attributed to my mum’s choice. If you cannot give up something for 9 months then shame on you. Addiction or not. I’m not addicted to anything and never smoked a cigarette in my life, but I tell you now, if somebody said to me that eating chocolate, crisps, bread etc would damage the health of my child I would give them up instantly. If I was told that in order to be guaranteed a pregnancy and a healthy kid I had to not straighten my hair, give up my car, live on the streets and only drink water and eat gruel for 9 months I WOULD DO IT.
There are women who are smacked off their heads on drugs, give birth to drug-dependant children and then social services actually try to help them keep custody of their child (with intervention of course).
There are women who actually give their children drugs. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
There are women who make out their children have a severe illness or cancer for money and attention.
There are women who call their kids horrendous names to their faces.
There are women who use their kids as pawns in a fucking game and prevent the child’s dad from seeing them when they’ve done nothing wrong other than end the relationship with the mother. And the dad has to fight tooth and nail to gain access and not piss off the mother in any way because they are the ones with all the control over the situation. In the meantime the kid misses out on a devoted daddy in their life.
There are women who stand by and let an abusive partner hurt their kids and do fuck all about protecting them.
There are women who actually abuse their own kids: physically, sexually, emotionally and through neglect.
These reprobates do not deserve the ability to conceive. Not until they sort their fucking lives out and give their heads a wobble.
If you’re going to make bad life choices, make them – but don’t bring an innocent kid into it that can’t say what THEY want. Being a mother is about putting your kid’s needs first. Everything I listed above DOES NOT put the needs of the kid first.
You think a foetus wants to smoke 10 Marlboro a day? Have a few pints of cider? Get withdrawal symptoms from drugs? Get smacked about? Be left on their own to starve? Be called a little shit? Be prevented from seeing their dad?
If you do, then you really do deserve having your womb removed at birth.
And then there are women who are battling infertility.
There are women who have had miscarriages. A close friend of mine recently went through a devasting missed miscarriage and had to go through horrific surgery. Another of my friends miscarried twins at home, down the toilet. Someone else I know went public this week with her miscarriage after IVF. Two other ladies in my life miscarried within a month of each other after trying for months for their second babies. Another close friend of mine lost one of her ovaries and Fallopian tubes after miscarrying. One of my close American friends had a molar pregnancy. She nearly had to have chemotherapy to treat it and needed regular check ups for 6 months. She was prevented from trying for another baby during this time. I follow other women on Instagram who have given birth to stillborn children.
There are women who spent thousands and thousands of pounds or dollars through IUI, ICSI, IVF etc. Money that they don’t have. Insurance policies that don’t cover anything at all. All to go through a process that doesn’t even guarantee them a successful pregnancy even if it worked. I have another friend, who is younger than me and also struggling to conceive, who doesn’t qualify for even one round of IVF on the NHS because her husband already has children from a previous relationship. Another friend of mine found out this week that her husband has no sperm. She is devastated at what this might mean for them. I have another friend who is desperately trying to lose weight so she can be prescribed Clomid to help her ovulate.
I read the most heartbreaking story the other day. A family in America lost their 5 month old son in a house fire that was deliberately started by arsonists. The mum nearly died herself. The dad made the heartbreaking decision to wake her from her coma to tell her that their son died, just in case she died herself and never knew. She had to be held down and sedated after being told the news. It took them 5 years – 5 YEARS – to conceive their child through IVF using inheritance money from a dead parent. They have no more money. There will be no more children for them. I was nearly sick from crying so much when I read that story.
A lady I follow on Instagram got her period today after her IVF cycle didn’t work out. She is a nurse and just had to care for a baby girl at work that was abandoned in the hospital by the mother because “she would have preferred a boy.” This courageous lady still looked after this innocent infant despite her own heart breaking.
All of these women deserve children. All of them. They will all make brilliant mothers. And they are fighting for that chance, just a chance, that other selfish twats take for granted.
I champion the motherfucking warriors who show every trait a mother should have: kindness, compassion, empathy, humanity, strength, selflessness, common sense.
You will always be a million times better a mother than the ones I described at the start of this post. They simply had sex, got lucky, and bred innocent children that didn’t deserve to be born to them.
The problem with life is, people are too afraid to speak out. In my line of work, like other professions, we are trained to identify the signs of abuse and report it. Most of us will come across it in our daily work and follow the procedures of reporting it. But so many times, left hand doesn’t talk to right hand and the child is kept at risk of harm for far longer than it should. Meanwhile, those of us desperate to have children of our own have to watch this happen. It is out of our control.
There have been disgusting cases of abuse in the UK and Serious Case Reviews have often found that one of the failures of these children is that opportunities were missed to intervene.
There is a culture in society of walking by. Don’t be a have-a-go-hero. Mind your own business.
There is also a saying: it takes a village to raise a child.
If the parent is being an absolute fucking twat and putting that kid at risk, then you owe it to that child that can’t defend itself to be the parent it deserves but doesn’t have. Speak out. Look out for the welfare of that child. Get social services involved if necessary. Keep pestering. Keep advocating for that kid. It’s not meddling. It’s being a human being and looking out for your own.
I’ll stop being sanctimonious and self-righteous now. I’ll get off my soapbox. I’ll get back in my cage. I’ll shut my mouth so as not to offend anymore. I’ll be the perfect conforming member of society that doesn’t wish to rock the boat.
But I’ve always got the back of the sisterhood (and brotherhood) that have been denied the chance to show how fucking awesome they’d be as parents.
And the rest of those people out there who have kids and mistreat them, or hurt and abuse them, or take them for granted. WAKE UP AND APPRECIATE WHAT A BLESSING YOU’VE GOT.
And go fuck yourselves.