I know.

I know you didn’t sleep well last night either.

I know you were pretending to be asleep when I came out of the bathroom to avoid talking to me. I know that, because you immediately started moving around once I got into bed and turned off the light.

I know you were probably laid there with your eyes open like me.

I know we were both doing everything possible to lie still and not touch each other,

I know you probably heard me crying even though I was trying so hard to be silent.

I know you would have bollocked me if I slept in the spare room instead.

I know we hadn’t had an argument, or a row, or fallen out, but it felt like we had.

I know you were pissed off that I “dumped this shit on you” when you got back from work. I can’t help the timings of this shit I’m afraid. It got dumped on me 20 minutes before you got in. So, sorry about that.

I know you thought I was being frosty at the match last night. Yeah. I was. I didn’t want to be there. Before the “shit” I was looking forward to it. But then I had to honour my commitment to giving a lift to your mates when actually I’d rather have stayed home and cried it out for a few hours. That’s why I drove off without telling you what I was planning to do. But I came back. I could have stranded you all there. So give me some credit for that.

I know you probably thought I looked a right bitch being on my phone constantly. That phone was my saviour last night. I had women around the world messaging me. They were the ones keeping me going and keeping me sane. They kept my tears at bay. I’m not going to apologise for that.

I know it annoys you how I really struggle to be around that particular person. Well, my behaviour around them is actually exemplary considering what I WANT to do is punch them. In the throat. Every time I see them. But I don’t. So again, credit for that please.

I know what we’re going through is the shittiest time ever in our relationship, and I don’t even just mean the TTC stuff. I mean EVERYTHING.

I know you’re feeling the pressure. I keep telling you not to put so much pressure on yourself but you’re a man and you can’t help that.

I know our sex life has changed. 

I know you’re hurting just as much as me, just in a different way.

I know you think whenever I cry it’s about having a baby. But it’s not. I cry more for the effect it’s having on us. I cry about your mental health. I cry about a fuck load more than just having a baby.

I know you hate pretending in front of others jut as much as me. It’s just you do a better job at hiding it. My face shows everything. But you know that.

I know that our marriage is being tested right now. But I’m not worried. And I know you’re not either.

I know that we still have fun together. I just hope that fun starts to outweigh the shit sometime soon.

I know there is a big fucking elephant in the room. I don’t know who let it in because it certainly fucking wasn’t me. I keep telling you to lock the front door.  But it’s there. It will leave when it wants to I suppose.

I know that I love you.

I know that you love me too.

I know we’ll get through this, like we always do.

5 thoughts on “I know.

  1. Damn this is my whole life, at least once a week (on a good week.) You’re stronger than this moment, and that’s the only thing that keeps me positive – that it can’t all be about this. There’s a bigger plan. You’re doing great – it’s when you stop caring, stop crying that’s when you worry xx

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I know that situation all too well. All you want is for him to roll over and hold you. You are both on a really hard and stressful journey, made worse but not being able to predict the future and know when and how it will end. I promise you, if you can both get through this you will come out the other side even stronger.

    Liked by 1 person

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