Does it get easier?

Does it?

Please tell me it does.

I need to know.

I need to know that today is just a one off.

I need to know that although I’m hurting bad today, tomorrow it won’t hurt so much.

I need to know that my heart can’t actually break, even though it feels like it does.

I need to know all my feelings are legitimate.

I need to know that I will feel genuine happiness again soon.

I need to know that I won’t get left behind.

I need to know that my pregnant friends won’t forget me.

I need to know that this isn’t forever.

I need to know that it will all work out eventually.

I need to know that I’ve not turned into some sad, bitter shadow of my former self.

I need to know that people don’t think I keep harping on about it, boring them with my sadness.

I need to know that my inability to conceive doesn’t define me.

I need to know that I’m still me.

I don’t need sympathy.

I don’t need pity.

I don’t need advice.

I don’t need to be told it’ll be my turn soon.

I just need to know – does it get easier?

Because I can’t take much more.


25 thoughts on “Does it get easier?

  1. Hun I am with you in this pain today. Last night on a work night out, one of the girls announced she’s just found out she is PG. In the next convo I get asked by someone else when am I gonna have kids, aren’t I worried I’m running out of time!? I’m about to start IVF due to poor AMH and had to sit in the toilet and try not to cry. I proceeded to get very drunk.
    I just wish we knew we’d be ok coz right now I’m not sure I will.
    Sending love xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I will say some days are better than others. I’m heading into my second round of IVF and I daily ask myself those same questions and I hope the answer is yes. But I definitely worry about the answers to these question if I do not beat my infertility. Thank you for always putting into words the thoughts and feelings I have running through my brain.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel the same! I’m learning so much about empathy, patience & humility… but damn, I wish there was an easier way! I feel like I’ve become a spokesperson for akward outcasts… I also have this weird thought that perhaps if I suffer now, the going will get easier later in life? Like I’m paying my dues? The brain is always trying to make sense of what cannot be made sense of!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can so deeply relate. I am headed into my second full IVF cycle after 2 miscarriages. So many days it just feels so darn hard!! I try to keep telling myself “it’s this hard to really make me appreciate the baby I will have.”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It feels easier when I read your blog and know that I’m not alone in my struggle for “easier”. I love how you’re supporting others while you’re hurting yourself 😻 – that’s making it a little bit easier for someone else.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. Sometimes I feel that’s the problem – I’m not allowed to fall pregnant myself because my role is to help other people instead 😔 But I’m ALWAYS pleased to hear I help others. It does make all of this shite worth it x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. It does get easier (or maybe we just get tougher). If someone had said this to me when I was going through the darkest of times I would have hated them for it. I would have wanted to punch them. I think it is part of the infertility journey, we all have to go through it. I wish we didn’t. I wish no woman ever had to go through it. But we will be better mothers because of what we have had to go through. I finally believe I will be a mother one day. Wether it’s to my own biological child or not. I will be a mother and so will you. It’s just not quite the way I’d planned or hoped. I have had all these feelings and some much worse. It’s ok, it’s normal. You are having to go through something so difficult and something you have absolutely no control over. You are allowed to feel like this. But you won’t always feel like this. Sending you all my love. You are stronger than you know.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Totally relating to the fear of having turned into a bitter horrible version of myself, the sadness can be so intense I worry that if I did get pregnant I still won’t drag myself out of this…that’s just today though. Feel better xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Some days are easier than others. And if your pregnant friends are real friends they definitely won’t forget you (even once they are mothers). However, I can’t promise that you will always be able to bring yourself to spend time with them and their children.

    Some days I wonder whether this is a “punishment” for taking the pill for so long, other days I’m convinced my turn is just a supplement away. All you can do is take each day as it comes. You CAN take it though… we all can. Because we haven’t been given a choice in the matter. I hope today is a better day x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow. This is so powerful. So true. This was me at the arrival of AF this month. And the month before that… I think each time that I can’t take any more. But somehow we just do. I think women who write about their struggles once their dreams have come true are amazing and give hope. But those who write whilst going through this journey are something els. Brave, strong, astounding and inspiring. Thank you for sharing and to all the ladies commenting, I see myself reflected in your words and take comfort in your strength. Fantastic blog xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I was in the TTC race for 6 years. Not a single day got easier. The pain never left me and I am so glad it didn’t. It taught me alot about myself and it made me into a more compassionate person. I waited 6 years to get pregnant and was finally diagnosed with endometriosis 5 years into that race. I had to fight like crazy for a diagnosis and to be taken seriously. It was all very worth it. I feel like because I had to wait so long it makes me a better mother. I don’t have any other words that will make you feel better but just know that it is all so very worth it. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Every day, every week, every month, every year….these are my thoughts. I wonder why me? What did I do wrong? Why am I being punished for following the right path?

    I’m not sure it gets easier or if the pain, emptiness subsides. I haven’t given up just yet for the chance to be a mommy to a little bundle, but it’s hard to keep the negative thoughts away.

    Last night I went to a chakra meditation class, and we focused on the heart chakra. Where we block feelings, emotions, self worth. Where we allow self doubt and worthless feelings to live. We were chanting and you could feel the vibrations….then shit! Tears, the lump in the throat, the raw emotions I have been feeling about how perhaps I’m not good enough to be a mother, not worthy to be able to give my husband an offspring. I’m not deemed worthy and instead I’m broken, damaged, useless woman who can’t reproduce.

    I hate crying. I don’t share the emotions with my best friend or friends. I don’t confide in my husband these feelings or thoughts. I’m already a mess. They don’t need to know. It felt good to let some of it out, but I have to put it back and work on how to adjust to these feelings.

    Does it get easier? I’m 37 and trying for 6, I can’t say it does but what I can say is you’ll get a little stronger each day, maybe not much but you do.

    You are an amazing and courageous woman, who has opened your life and world with the likes of strangers and have allowed us to connect. To me….you are a mother. You care, nurture and inspire each of us. ❤️

    Enough of my rambling.

    Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. I’m overwhelmed lovely. I don’t know what to say. Just… thank you. And I truly truly truly hope you get the baby you so deserve. I empathise with your feelings entirely. I cry a little, but I try not to in front of my husband now because it makes him uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to say. But if I really let go – like REALLY – I would never stop. X

      Like

  12. Thank you, for sharing your story, and thank you to all the ladies who comment with stories as well. I had no idea when I started TTC that it would be this stressful and heartbreaking and when people around me fall pregnant it’s easy to feel like I’m the only one in the world who’s not! Reading your blog helps and inspires me, I write about my journey a little bit but I’m not brave enough to share the things you do and I think you’re wonderful for sharing! I keep checking back to your blog to see how you’re doing. When I’m feeling at my worst reading your blog helps give me the strength to pick myself up. Lots of love to you x

    Liked by 1 person

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