Why the fuck not?

This has been my attitude lately. To take my mind off waiting. I’m so fucking tired with waiting. It’s boring. And it’s agony.

So I’ve been distracting myself a lot over the past 10 days.

With something that the old me would struggle with… spontaneity.

I’m a planner, an OCD organiser, an inflexible square. Always have been. I don’t DO spontaneity. Growing up I was always asking my mum when I left for school in the morning what we’d be having for tea later. She used to joke I’d like to know what we would be having for tea two weeks on Thursday. I like to KNOW, I like to PLAN and I like to PREPARE (you can see why I struggle with the lack of control around trying to conceive can’t you?)

But this summer seems to already be shaping up to be the summer of me. And I haven’t planned any of it. With every opportunity that has arisen, rather than overthinking it, I’ve grabbed it by the fucking bollocks and said “YES!”

It’s been quite liberating actually, especially since we’re out this cycle and I’m feeling frustrated waiting for the next ovulation to come around.

So I’ve been filling the time and occupying myself with doing things. Things that have mostly involved alcohol, but still, UNPLANNED THINGS!

Yay. Go me.

It started off when we broke up for school last week. I only decided to go to the end of term shindig a few days before. I wasn’t that bothered but then I thought –

Why the fuck not?

A couple of close colleagues I went with went home early which meant I was left on a bit of a limb. I could have got a lift home with them or I could have stayed out drinking til the early hours and I thought –

Why the fuck not?

Then Dave and me were offered to go to the footie on Saturday afternoon. It was suggested we go for lunch and a drink beforehand at Wetherspoons (if you’re a Brit you will understand the picture I am painting here haha). We had nothing else to do, so we thought –

Why the fuck not?

Then after the match, our mate suggested going for a drink at a pub in town to watch a band play. Considering our alternative Saturday night plans involved a takeaway and shit telly, again, we thought –

Why the fuck not?

Now what Saturday night taught me is that the best nights out are those which aren’t planned. It started off as the quiet drink in the pub watching a band and playing some darts. It ended with several shots downed, 8 pints sunk and dancing on tables in Bierkeller. To demonstrate how unprepared I was for this night out – I was wearing flat shoes and a waterproof coat. A COAT FFS!  I was also drenched head to toe in other people’s German beer and ate a slice of garlic bread off the wet pavement that somebody dropped. It was one of those sorts of nights.

Of course Sunday was written off entirely. With an epic hangover. But did I care? Did I fuck. I had no kids to look after. No school to be rested for the next day. I had no guilt.

Then came Monday. And the offer of a pub quiz at the same Bierkeller place as the Saturday night. Now doing ANYTHING on a school night is sacrilege in my book. But this wasn’t a school night. It was my summer holidays and I didn’t have to get up for work the next day. So –

Why the fuck not?

And then we walked home from town at midnight. 3 fucking miles. Via McDonalds. No dancing on tables that night though…

Then came Tuesday. And another unplanned football match. Did we want to go with our mate? Did we have anything else to do that night other than watch more shit telly?

Why the fuck not?

Wednesday was our wedding anniversary. We knew we wanted to eat out that night but wasn’t sure where or when. We settled on an American ribs joint. Shall we go there? Right now?

Why the fuck not?

Then last night (Friday) our mate, Dave and I were offered tickets to a premiere of a film about our local football club and their success over the past season. We literally knew the night before. It had sold out weeks ago so it was too good an opportunity to miss. So we jumped at the chance.

Then Dave got poorly. Proper man flu poorly. And he had to pull out in the morning. So that left me, our mate and the girl who we’d never met who sold us the tickets going out together. I thought about the potential ‘feeling like a lemon’ scenario and then I thought (you guessed it) –

Why the fuck not?

It meant I was sat in a bar having a drink with my husband’s best mate looking like we were on a date (even the guy at the cinema showing us to our seats assumed we were together – his face was a picture when my mate told him I was married to his best friend!) but I didn’t care. I enjoyed his company. And afterwards we went out dancing again to – YES! BIERKELLER! – and once again I was dancing on the tables in 5 inch stiletto platforms and once again I DIDN’T CARE.

My liver has cared this week though. It’s cared a lot about how I’ve abused its generosity, but it’ll get over it.

I don’t have anybody else relying on me. I don’t have any dependents. I don’t have responsibilities to get up for. I don’t have a bun in my oven to protect. I didn’t have any reason NOT to go out this week and have fun.

Apart from my bank balance.

If anyone dare judge my life choices right now, they should try walking in my shoes. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. So what if I get drunk and dance on tables til the morning and have fun with my mates? Whatever helps my heart in this shitty situation. I don’t judge the mum who has tough days and drowns a bottle of wine in the evening to celebrate that she’s kept everyone alive for another 24 hours because I don’t know what it’s like to be in that position.

And they don’t know what it is like to be in my position.

There will no doubt be mums out there that may look at me and think “she won’t be able to have nights out like that when she’s pregnant / breastfeeding / got a little one to get up for in the morning, so she better make the most of it now.”

Yeah, you’re right. Because –

A) I’m still not pregnant

B) I’m not breastfeeding

C) I still don’t have a little baby at home to get up for

And, finally, D)


4 thoughts on “Why the fuck not?

  1. You go for it. Why the fuck not! Do want you want to do. You deserve it. You are having to go through something so hard and so out of your control. I know how hard it is. I’m queen of the control freaks. I even plan and organise as a career. Do anything that gives you a little happiness or escape. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your words express the way I feel perfectly! The hardest part of this Journey for me is the lack of control I have. Your blog really helps me understand and not feel guilty about the way I feel.
    Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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