Sometimes all you can do is cry.

And cry down the phone to your girlfriend for 10 minutes whilst you literally say nothing. Just holding your phone to your ear and sobbing. And she’s just there, listening, telling you to breathe.

I needed that last night.

A close friend messaged me to say she was pregnant with her second child. 

It was so out of the blue. Instinctively I felt my chest get tight and tears prick my eyes. I didn’t message her back because she was amazing and said she wasn’t expecting me to. In fact, she was fucking amazing with EVERYTHING she said and how she said it – even down to the fact she messaged me rather than telling me face to face, because I wouldn’t have appreciated breaking down in tears in a pub lol. She couldn’t have been more sensitive, or compassionate or understanding if she’d tried. And she’ll be reading this right now. I messaged her this morning. I was able to be honest with her and tell her that I cried a lot last night, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t happy for her. I told her I wouldn’t be up for asking lots of questions about her pregnancy and she was cool with that. She’s cool full stop. That’s why she’s such a good mate.

But my god did I cry.

I cried to the point that there were no tears, just pained wet eyes, an open mouth, and silent wailing. I laid in bed, staring into the darkness until gone midnight.

I woke up with puffy eyes that stayed with me all day. I spent the day exhausted from lack of sleep. I had horrendous period cramps reminding me that it wasn’t me who was pregnant.

But I got on with my day. Like I always do. I’m not some fucking Greek tragedy. I don’t walk around wailing ‘poor me!’ And it’s certainly not like I wear a bell round my neck like a leper warning people ‘STAY AWAY FROM THE BARREN ONE!’ I have dignity for Christ’s sake.

But I tell you what, my heart has had enough. It’s had enough of being patient. It’s had enough of being happy. It’s had enough of the monthly disappointment. It’s had enough of being the only one left. It’s bruised, and battered and scarred. It feels heavy. It feels burdened. It feels bitter.

I wish I could send it on holiday. I wish I could pack it a bag, send it to a spa resort on Bora Bora and tell it to get wasted, sleep with gorgeous waiters and not to come back until it was properly recovered. And it would come back refreshed, with a tan, a happy glow, and a sassy attitude that said BRING. IT. ON. MOTHERFUCKERS.

But I can’t send my heart on holiday. It has to stay here with me. It has to learn to take the news of my friends’ pregnancies (and there will be more, of that I have no doubt) and it will have to learn to be strong and suck it up.

But right now, it’s hurting again πŸ’”


20 thoughts on “Sometimes all you can do is cry.

  1. Have been reading your blogs for a while. Sorry you find yourself in the no man’s land that is infertility. I know your husband is having a rough time at the moment, but I wondered if you’d got the ball rolling with investigations to see what’s going on? It’s maybe not the right timing to have him wanking into a cup! But moving forwards towards the next hurdle (be that progesterone testing, fertility referral, hcg, clomid, the list goes on) is the only thing that ever makes me feel like we’re getting anywhere. Like taking back the minute amount of control you can in this situation. I hope you feel a bit better for uncorking the bottle and letting the sad out 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey yeah I’ve had my second blood tests through – all normal again. Dave knows he’s got to wank in the cup soon but it’s finding the right time when he’s in the mood – if we’re going to do it then it needs to be done well lol! X

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  2. Hun you are not alone. I too had a good cry yesterday…I was ovulating and couldn’t get the man in the mood. Hate this pressure. Heading closer to IVF and it scares me. The announcements and heartache are real and painful. Stay strong and hopeful, put those positive pants on xxx

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    1. I hate those times – we have 24 hours out of god knows how many and we RELY on our blokes being able to perform at the right time and it’s just shit when that doesn’t work out. Have you had any sex at all to catch the egg or are you out completely? X

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  3. Mate, it’s as if I wrote this blog. I had to go home from work on wednesday which ended up being a 2 day crying session because my friend told me she was prego with her second. And REALLY cry you know! I’m happy for her but sad for me. Someone told me I need a new focus last night (people have said it before but I dismissed it). So F## it, I’m booking a holiday with my crazy friend to Greece: Come, you can bring your heart too (we might even find hot waiters for them both)! X

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  4. I follow you on instagram and read your blog many times over and over. I cannot count the times I’ve balled my eyes out over announcements. I’m truly happy for my dear and close friends, but a small piece of me dies.
    A friend who recently got pregnant by another guy while working towards her 2nd divorce in 10 years texted me out of the blue to send me the ultrasound picture. We haven’t spoken in many years and she sends me that?!? I was pissed, furious, frustrated and heartbroken. Why her….
    Sending love from Wisconsin, US

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi again Herkie! Of course I know you off Instagram ☺ That’s incredibly shitty about your friend – it doesn’t even make sense why she would do that when you haven’t seen her in so long. Have you replied? Sending lotsa love back from the UK x

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      1. I didn’t. I had no words. I couldn’t even type out “congratulations”. My hubby just held me as I sobbed and told me to just walk away and not respond. She knows through mutual friends the struggle we are going through. I couldn’t even bring myself to like or comment her Facebook post.

        My other friends are great. They are very delicate when delivering their news. They always make sure I’m okay. They know I’m truly happy for them, and know my smile is genuine but also heartache on the inside.

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  5. I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could do more than send you virtual hugs.

    I started my period yesterday after spotting since 6 dpo (which hadn’t happened for a few months). I wasn’t expecting it to have worked this time considering we only managed to have sex on one day during the window (2 days before O) but did the spotting really have to return to kick me while I was down? I’m now on levothyroxin because my TSH and prolactin were still elevated at my last blood test, but my official diagnosis is “unexplained infertility”. YAY!

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  6. I’ve only recently discovered your blog but I’ve gone back and read all your posts. Your honesty is so comforting for me. It’s nice to know you are not alone, that someone else feels exactly how you do. I remember I had a complete breakdown – I mean wailing uncontrollably, snot running down my face, puffy eyes, my body felt in physical pain, some seriously ugly crying went on for days – when my friend told me she was pregnant. Of course for them it happened the first time of trying. Typical! She said she was upset it had happened so quickly she was hoping it would take a little longer. Oh the pain I felt in that moment. I wanted to scream WE’VE BEEN TRYING FOREVER! My husband didn’t know what to do with me, I was such a mess. He even threatened to call my mum! You are allowed to be upset and it’s ok not to be ok. Infertility is a highly stressful journey, one which you have no control over and no answers or guarantees, it’s no wonder it’s fucking stressful. As humans I don’t think we are equipped to deal with so much heartache and grief month, after month, after month. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Infertility is a BITCH! It sucks! How you are feeling is completely normal. Be kind to yourself, don’t beat yourself up over it. Thank you for giving infertility a voice and starting the conversation. Much love. Xx

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  7. Hi! I’ve been following your blog for months now… Sending you lots of love! The pain is real, and it’s so important to have a friend to whom you can just be openly vulnerable and cry your heart out without words.
    Last year, when my younger brother and his wife announced their pregnancy to the family, it was over the dinner table. My period had just started during the afternoon of the same day, so sitting there with the worst of the period cramps and having to smile and look happy… it was torture. Managed to wait until my husband and I got home before I let the tears flow. A few months later, my older brother and wife announced their second pregnancy also at family dinner, but thank God I was out with a friend that day. If I had been there at the table, I really think I would have cried there and then!
    And so, this comment is belated I suppose but sending you lots of virtual hugs anyways… ❀ Thank you for your always honest and open sharing through your blog. Know that you have touched many lives (and still do!) πŸ™‚

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  8. Wow, this made me cry. The last couple of days have been this exact situation for me. My best friend fell pregnant after being with someone for around 6 weeks and as much as I’m happy for her I’m also really angry. They’re no longer together (I’m not surprised) and here is me and my husband struggling for over 2 years. I felt her baby kick which broke my heart. I’ve just failed my 5th round of 100mg Clomid (BFN today) and I’ve cried most the day and to top it off I could be made redundant which is also adding extra stress for me! I text my best friend this morning saying how much I’m finding it hard and this was her response…
    “just relax, it will happen when you relax”
    Is she joking!? That is the last thing I wanted hear!
    I didn’t actually text her back after that. I’ve had a good cry on the phone to my mum instead but I also feel like she doesn’t understand the full process. I would totally be lost if it wasn’t for the TTC community, having my Instagram account is the best thing I have ever done. Your blog is also something I am going to read a lot more, you’re an inspiration to women.
    Thank you so much! β™‘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Leesha my heart goes out to you. You haven’t been dealt great friends right now but I’m here for you. I’m so pleased my blog is helping you. It still touches me whenever lovely ladies like you go out of their way to contact me to express their thanks and gratitude. If ever you want to chat, my email is motherofnoneblog@outlook.com I’m not going to tell you to stay strong because it’s an empty platitude. So I’m going to tell you to wallow, cry, eat chocolate cake, drink a shit load of alcohol… and then tomorrow you gotta get up and be gangsta, yeah? X

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