I’m fine.

There is so much shit going on in my head at the moment that I’m barely holding it together.

You know in the film Forrest Gump, he sits on a park bench and tells his life story to a succession of strangers whilst waiting for a bus? Some pay him no notice, some ask the odd question, but mostly they just sit there and listen?

That’s what I need right now. I need a park bench, and a stranger to offload to. 

Someone who won’t question how I’m feeling. Someone who won’t criticise my life choices recently. Someone who won’t judge the things I have said or done. Someone who will sit, and listen, and maybe say “You know what, if I was in your shoes, I’d have felt the same and probably behaved the same way. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re human.” And then they’d walk away.

I don’t even mean just TTC-related stuff, but general life shit too. Don’t get me wrong, I have loads of good friends who I could talk to but I can’t. It’s too complicated. They are too close to me, and they know Dave, and I can’t let them in on certain things. It would change they way they see me.

I know that sounds really cryptic, and I don’t mean it to be, but there is no other way to describe the fuck up in my head right now. It is simply easier to put on the fake smile, get drunk and pretend everything is okay. 

But if someone looked me in the eye, they’d see I’m not. Everything is NOT fucking okay. But I’ll say that it is, because it’s easier. And my friends don’t need my personal shit adding to their own. And no doubt they will all message me after reading this, because they’re good people. But I kind of hope they don’t, because I won’t know how to respond to them.

You may think I should see a counsellor or therapist. That’s not what I need right now. Because they would ask me things. They would make me question things. I simply just want to offload. I want to take out my brain, shake out all the shit, blow out the cobwebs, wipe down the edges, pop it back in again and then carry on.

I need that park bench. I need that stranger. I need to rewind my life back to when it was so much more simple. And things weren’t quite so fucked up.

But if anybody asks me, I’m fine.


10 thoughts on “I’m fine.

  1. Totally understand. It is the only negative about going public with TTC everyone knows too much and always asks “How are you really?”. It also means that when people ask this, they only refer to the TTC part and nothing else that might be going on.
    After we announced our MC I semi regretted it a few months later when everyone thought it was OK to constantly ask me “how are you going?”, “no, how are you really going?” Which really meant “don’t want to talk about anything else, but are you prego yet?”.
    Xo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yep, like the thing that’s weighing heavily on my mind right now isn’t even to do with TTC (well, indirectly a cause of, in a roundabout way). But it’s a whole web of messy shit that is just not worth untangling – I’m keeping Pandora’s box firmly shut here. I really appreciate people caring about me enough to ask but sometimes I want a stranger to ask me, let me dump my shit on them, and then not worry about scaring them off or judging me.
      Thanks for reaching out xxx

      Like

  2. Go to the Hair / Nail / Beauty salon! I always tell them my secrets πŸ™‚ Nothing like having a D&M with a lady while she is ripping your eyebrows off!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Thanks for sharing these feelings! I can totally relate. TTC has brought lots of messed up thoughts to the front of my mind and I don’t know where to start. Maybe I’ll join you on that park bench! Lots of love and luck to you xx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s so true. Even I feel the same. And yes I may have good load of friends but I can’t just tell them what I am actually thinking as it would make them change the way they see us. And I really don’t want that. What I really want is someone I have no emotional tie with , won’t judge us and just listen to us-
    strangers Just like you have mentioned. And reading your blog I realized I am not alone in this. πŸ™‚πŸ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

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