One positive about the shitty journey of trying to make a baby has been the popularity of this blog.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – when I started writing this back in September 2016 I never foresaw how it would take off, and I am so grateful to you all. I thought I would get a few regular followers from my friends and maybe a handful of curious strangers following too. But 9 months later (ironically I could have had a baby in that time), I have had 10,000 visitors, and over 40,000 views, from over 100 countries. My combined followers from WordPress, Facebook and Instagram is over 2,000. These are figures I am still blown away by.
And with this popularity, has come exposure. And some exciting opportunities.
Firstly, a Hollywood movie called Making Babies (due for release in 2018) has been following me for several months now. They like every single post I make. Now you may not find that impressive, but what if I told you that they only follow 34 people on Instagram, and I am the only fertility blogger they follow – all the other profiles they follow are Hollywood actors, producers and directors? Yeah. That blew my mind. They will read this too. I hope they send me a ticket to their premiere next year (*wink wink*)
I’ve also had the Irish blogger Scantily Dad (check out his fab blog at scantilydad.com) want to collaborate, with us doing guest posts for each other.
Then yesterday morning I checked my blog’s email account and saw an email from Huffington Post UK saying they thought my blog was “really good and we’d love to host it” Umm…… SAY WHAT? An international platform (its UK branch, granted) wanted to feature ME??? What a fucking accolade!
And if that wasn’t enough, overnight I was contacted by the American website fertilitysmarts.com asking me to submit my blog to be featured on their ‘Top Fertility Bloggers’ page.
But the price to pay for the last 2 opportunities is I need to waive my anonymity. According to HuffPostUK they can’t post anaonymous bloggers unless there is a legal reason.
Now I have no problem with the world and his wife reading my blog and knowing that I am the author of it. But the issue is my job. Unfortunately in my line of work, I have to abide by a professional code of conduct and must ensure my behaviour outside of my employment doesn’t bring my profession into disrepute.
Essentially that means I have to live the life of a saint. That means no drinking, no swearing, no sex and certainly NO PUBLIC BLOG WITH MY NAME ATTACHED TO IT.
It’s bollocks, but that is what I signed up for. And I love my job too much to jeopardise that. And I love having the bills paid and a roof over my head too.
It frustrates me, because I am bloody good at my job and there have been no issues at all in my career with my professional or personal conduct. And (in my mind) I should be able to separate that from my private life. But I also understand and appreciate that 50% of the world’s population would disagree, and would think someone doing my job shouldn’t be publically writing the things that I do. I mean, the Daily Mail (for those outside the UK that is expensive toilet paper that you can buy in newsagents) would have a fucking field day if they got wind of this.
I’m not stupid. I have considered this. But it doesn’t mean I agree with it.
There are so many much worse things I could do in my private life (be a secret porn star, have a criminal record) or blog about (extreme views, promoting hate, racist content etc.) but I don’t.
I write about things that over 50% of the world’s population do and experience.
Sex. Blow jobs. Leakages. Orgasms. Thrush. Periods. (But shhh, none of that please, we’re British)
But let’s not forget the other things I am honest about: marriage, arguments, mental health, medical appointments, fear, pain, tears, heartache…
Yeah, okay, I could edit out the the controversial and offensive stuff but then I’m left with boring shite. I feel the reason why this blog has caught the attention of so many, inspired thousands and entertained more people in the shadows, is because I say and write the things we all think but don’t dare to say. That’s just me. People who know me in real life know I have no filter. I call a spade a spade. I have chronic foot in mouth disease. I am blunt. I don’t sugar coat anything. I tell it like it is.
Blame my parents.
I am waiting to hear back from both publications to see whether they can still feature me under an alias, but I am prepared to accept that these fantastic opportunities are probably going to have to pass me by. And the gutting thing is, who knows where they could lead? A new career perhaps? I’ve always wanted to write for a living.
But I’ll never know.
I had a frank conversation with my boss about it today. They were already aware of my blog, but I don’t think they quite realised how popular it was becoming and the implications this had. They ultimately made me think if I was happy to take the risk of the negatives (which I won’t divulge here) and essentially my answer was no. I knew this before I spoke to them. They were just confirming it. They still said I should be proud though, and I am. But I’m gutted.
The crux of it is, my career is not compatible with public blogging. In this instance, I HAVE to put my career first. I love it too much and I have worked too hard to get to where I am to go and throw it all away.
Thinking about the injustice of everything, not just this but the shitty destiny I have been given to fight to have a baby, I had a bit of a cry in the car on the way home. I put on some expletive gangster rap REALLY LOUD. And I punched and kicked the shit out of myself doing my exercise DVD when I got back.
I KNOW I will regret this in the future. You always regret the things you didn’t do, not the things you did.
But none of this would even matter if I could just have a fucking baby.