“It’s not you. It’s me.”

Have you ever had that immortal line said to you?

Even better than that, have you ever had YOUR HUSBAND say that to you?

You can see where I’m going here with this.

I gave Dave a cuddle on the sofa last night when I walked past to make a cup of tea. I wanted to check in on him. He hasn’t been in a great place mentally for a few weeks now. He’s still not in a position to accept professional help yet, so I’m plodding on, trying to support him as best I can and trying to protect my own mental health too.

He hasn’t wanted sex. Typical symptom of a reduced or absent libido. So the other day, when I suggested we took this month off so he didn’t have to put that pressure on himself, it was like his mood had changed overnight. He was more perkier, still not the old Dave and the husband I know well, but an improvement on the one I had been living with lately.

So I put my head on his chest and stroked his arm and held his hand and said “You seem a lot better since we decided not to try this month” and his response was a big long sigh, followed with “It’s not you. It’s me.”

It didn’t panic me when he said that. I actually jokingly smacked him for using such a shit cliched line straight out of a film. But I still needed the reassurance that he loved me, and still wanted a baby. He was so emphatic in his answer that I was convinced, and felt stupid for even entertaining a niggling doubt. The baby making is definitely back on next month, he assured me. He was adamant that he’ll be feeling better by then. We’ll see.

But I’m still sad. Not so much about the missing out on sex (god I’m missing that!) and a BFP this month (of course I’m disappointed but what’s the point in getting grumpy about it and making Dave feel worse in the process?) but this new shift in our marriage that I’m still figuring out.

I miss the cuddles and intimacy. Dave insists he still shows me this but we obviously have different perceptions on that right now. He has a more pressing priority and I respect that. But 10 years of him being all over me all the time to the point where it really pissed me off on occasions, to suddenly having barely any physical contact initiated by him at all, is a big adjustment to get used to.

I’m being patient, and understanding, and supportive, but I’m struggling. There have been a few private tears in the bathroom when I can’t sleep. I’m having to keep strong and know that we’ll get through this rough patch. If I think it’s tough for me, then I can only imagine how Dave is feeling.

The main thing is we still love each other, more so than when we first got together, and we still fancy the pants off one another. But I just wish he could go back to showing it more. I miss that so fucking much, it hurts my heart.

We spent the whole day together on 3 separate food dates – breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s not good for my diet plan but I didn’t care today. We were spending time together, holding hands, chatting at ease, joking about nothing, and enjoying feeling like how it used to.

Today was a good day.

I need to hold onto the memory of this one to help me get through the bad ones.

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