My good friend is pregnant.

Writing this post is going to be hard.

It’s going to be hard because my friend reads my blog. So does her husband. So do our mutual friends. So do many of her colleagues in fact.

I thought about NOT writing it, or censoring myself. But that wouldn’t be honest. I started this blog promising to explain the realities of how a woman feels when trying to conceive. Through the good and the bad.

That includes when one of her closest friends gets pregnant.

This isn’t new. In the past 18 months I’ve witnessed many people I know – some I know well, some not so much – announce their happy news. Every time my heart permanently breaks a little bit. It’s another reminder that it’s not me.

Let me make this very, very clear. It is not that I am not happy for them. It’s just I am sad for me.

If I wasn’t so desperate to be a mum myself, I know 100% that I would be jumping for joy and singing from the rooftops with happiness that my friend is pregnant. I would be ecstatic, beaming, thrilled, excited – every happy emotion going.

And I feel them all, I do. I really truly do.

I just can’t show it. 

My heart aches. My eyes are tired from crying. My body numb and empty.

My friend knows how happy I am for her and her husband. I know the difficulty of her first pregnancy and birth. I know the pain and lasting effects she has endured since. I know the difficulties she is experiencing the second time around. She deserves this happiness. She deserves this blessing. She is such a wonderful woman, a beautiful human being, and a truly amazing friend. I am not being insincere in that.

She had the grace and sensitivity to privately tell me a few weeks back that she was pregnant. She was worried about telling me (it makes me cry that she is the second friend of mine to feel that way – I wish they wouldn’t). I really appreciated her compassion. And I was genuinely concerned for her health and happiness because she was so poorly. The last thing she needed was to be concerned with my feelings. But that’s her – selfless.

She and her husband went public about it yesterday which is why now is the time for me to write this. I ‘liked’ their separate posts but didn’t publicly congratulate. For the entirely selfish reason that I didn’t want to be flooded with notifications from people who had also commented. But I privately messaged her to explain that. Of course she understood. Because she’s brilliant. And she apologised. Because that’s her.

She’s part of a trio – I’ve written about them before. Me, E and R. We met 7 years ago at a school we all taught at and the shit we have gone through together is ridiculous – you can’t make it up. But we laugh about it. We support each other . We even threaten to beat up enemies who have wronged one of us. They are amazing.

And they GET IT.

They get what I’m going through.

They get that I often don’t reply to their WhatsApp messages when it’s to do with their children because I’m not in a good place emotionally.

They get that I’ll come back when I’m ready. And laugh at their parenting anecdotes. And share in their joy at their children’s milestones.

They get that things are often left unsaid, by me and by them. 

And they don’t forgive me for anything – because they know there is nothing to forgive.

(Apart from my choice of tea… inside joke!)

I couldn’t have got through the past 7 years without their friendship. And I would never desert either of them. 

I may be absent at times – physically and emotionally – but I will always come back. Always.

And they will be constantly by my side for however long it takes for me to get my happy ending. There will be a million tears shed by all of us when that happens.

And E – I will always be thinking of you and your sweet precious baby, even if I’m not directly asking you all the time. You know that. And I’ll be first in the queue for cuddles when he or she arrives.

I have to keep believing it will be my turn too one day. It will. It has to be.

I saw this quote on Instagram yesterday, like a fortune cookie that was opened by the right person at just the right time: 

Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.


20 thoughts on “My good friend is pregnant.

  1. I understand this so much. Sadly, too much. My husband’s best friend’s wife is pregnant with their first child. We found out a week after I miscarried. She is due ten days before I was. I feel actual pain thinking about it. My husband is no better off, jealous at what his friend has that was taken from him. I can’t even look at her pictures, knowing I should be exactly where she is. It is SO HARD to be happy for them, but I am trying. I feel your pain.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this so much! Currently best friends of my husband and I are due with a baby boy in July. My husband’s best friend/cousin and his girlfriend are due with a baby girl in August. My cousin is due with a baby boy in September.
    I would have been due with baby from IVF #1 in November but it ended as a chemical pregnancy. I would have been due with baby from IVF #2 in December but I miscarried at 7w5d.
    Everyone’s having baby showers and looking cute with their baby bumps and it makes me sad for me. I am happy for them but it’s hard to show.
    You are so lucky to have supportive friends who understand your need for space. Our friends do and my husband’s cousin, but my family struggles with being supportive and doesn’t understand why I “can’t just put my emotions away and be supportive and celebrate” for my cousin.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I.love.this. You are so lucky to have such two special friends. That give you space and time and understanding for the shitty road we must call infertility. I totally understand what you’re going through. My two best friends just gave birth the past two months. And I’m sitting here, with a failed IVF round. This road is tough. But we’ll be tougher. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. As I’ve said to you before – I’m so proud of you for being able to share your authenticity! ‘Society says I should feel this… but actually, I feel this… and that’s okay. I’m okay.’
    Because this SUCKS!! [with love and respect to your dear friend also]. And I am so glad she supported you, and reached out to you privately. Big hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m really sorry at how patronising my last comment was, I was half asleep – so it sounded more normal in my head. Then i tried to delete it and couldn’t! I’m sorry!!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. This is so hard. I fully understand the happy for them sad for me. I have been there and it sucks. And it makes you feel really bad for having those feelings even though they are totally normal and valid. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Yup, I know it well, the little ball of resentment that you have to swallow every time a friend or acquaintance makes the announcement. You feel like such a asshole for not being able to lose yourself to somebody else’s happy news.
    Just found out the hospital cocked up our referral and having waited two months to hear from them, the next available date for a test that I have already done twice..is in August!
    Gutted.

    Like

      1. We’re in sunny Sussex. I think we’re are now at the stage when they drag their heels and make us jump through every hoop know to mankind rather than just get the ivf ball rolling. I mean what’s another two months when you’ve already waited 3 and a half years?

        Like

  7. We would love to, but I am about 2 weeks off qualifying as a teacher, so our budget would probably just about stretch to Dr.Nick from the Simpsons, or a turkey baster from Liddle.

    Like

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