When does wrestling become attempted rape?

It’s safe to say that Dave is feeling better again.

I have the slap marks, carpet burns, friction burns and bruises to show for it.

I was innocently chilling on the sofa with my phone after a long day at work. I hadn’t had time to do my exercise DVD when I got back because a staff meeting overran, but I didn’t mind as I was too tired anyway. My plan was to be as sedentary as possible until bedtime. Including when we have sex later.

“Dave, I plan on channelling my inner potato tonight and let you do all the work.”

“Blowjob?”

“No, you got one on Sunday night. And I did all the work on top then, so you can take charge tonight.”

Well. I wasn’t expecting him to take charge quite so quickly.

It started with blowing raspberries on my arm. Then chest. Then tits.

Then when I tried to get off the sofa, he pounced on me and pretty much sat on my face. Uninvited teabagging is so undignified.

He then decided to try to lift me up. I HATE BEING LIFTED. So that’s when I started resisting.

Now, Dave is a freak. He loves it when I resist. Wrestling is like his foreplay for fuck’s sake.

So there I am, trying to lay as stiff as a board so that he can’t bend my limbs to pick me up. That doesn’t stop him though.

Before I know it I’m on the floor, wedged between  the sofa and the coffee table. I’m then crawling along the carpet trying to escape, with Dave laid on top of me. As I drag myself across the floor, my pyjama bottoms (that are like 3 sizes too big for me) start falling down and exposing my arse cheeks, and my tits are forced out of my vest top. 

Once I’m in the middle of the room, Dave then straddles me, grips my ankles and tries to flip me over. A full on wrestling sequence then ensues. Against my will of course. It didn’t matter how much I resisted, said no, or kicked back and tried to untangle myself from his grip, he was determined to go full Chris Jericho on me.

Now if he was Randy Orton trying to RKO me, let me tell you, there would have been NO resistance. Just 100% submission.

If a neighbour happened to walk past the window and look in I am in no doubt it would have looked like Dave was trying to rape me. I was pretty much naked, laid on the floor, grappling with a man who thought we were some kind of fucking wrestling tag team.

It didn’t stop there. I was dragged into the kitchen. Somehow my PJ bottoms were now off. Dave used his height advantage to put them on top of the cupboard which he knows I can’t get to. So I have to get a chair, half naked, and climb the work surface to get my bottoms down from the ceiling. 

At that moment he slaps my arse. Hard.

So in retaliation I throw the sweet potato peelings from dinner on the floor.

Well that did it.

I’m now on the floor, half naked, Dave pushing me across the floor whilst my bare arse cheeks are imprtinting themselves on the cold tiles. 

Then he picks up the peelings from the floor and starts trying to put them down my thong.

(I’m sure Kim Basinger didn’t put up with this kind of shit from Mickey Rourke in 9 1/2 weeks)

I put up a big fight. There’s more wrestling. More resistance. We’re getting sweaty. I’m getting fed up. Dave’s getting a little bit hard.

So 30 minutes later – 30 MINUTES LATER – a truce is called. I come away with grip marks on my wrists and ankles, scratches round my neck, bruises on my shins, carpet burns on my knees, friction burns on my shoulder blades, and a stray sweet potato peeling in my thong.

And Dave is left unscathed but with the promise of a blowjob and doggy tonight. How the fuck does that work?!

Yep. Normal service has resumed.


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