Oh god did it go horrifyingly, mortifyingly, regretfully wrong.
Last night, at 11pm, I was about to head to bed . I’d been watching a programme in the bedroom that was nearly finished and Dave was downstairs. I decided to take a sultry selfie to entice him to bed.
It was nothing too raunchy. Black lacy underwear, taken in black and white, shot at an angle and taken in the mirror. I was bloody happy with it.
I used a photo editor app to write beside it ‘Bedtime…?’ and sent it.
…TO HIS MATE.
Let me tell you right now, time DOES go in slow motion. In fact, I do believe the earth stopped for half a second as the magnitude of what had happened dawned on me.
Had I just gone into my Facebook messenger app to send it, his mate would have been further down the ‘recent’ list and the mistake would never have happened as Dave was at the top of the list. But because I used the editor app, and went to share it from there, it showed 4 ‘favourite’ contacts across the top in no particular order (just the app’s suggestions) – his mate, Dave and a couple of girlfriends. What I assumed to be Dave as the first listed contact, was actually his mate.
And of course, once you hit send, there is no stopping that bad boy.
I immediately resent it to Dave. And while he messaged back how beautiful I looked and sent rude and inappropriate GIFs in response, meanwhile my heart was racing, my palms were sweaty and my hands were shaking as the following exchange took place between me and his mate:
Fuck shit fuck
Oh my god I didn’t mean to send you that
FUCK please delete
Jesus Christ that was meant for Dave
I’m so sorry I’m fucking shaking fuck fuck fuck
Oh my god I’m mortified
I’m so sorry that was a genuine accident
(Mate) Don’t worry honestly x
No I’m absolutely mortified. Oh my god what must you think. Fucks sake. I can’t apologise enough. You were next to Dave on my most recent list. What a fucking swallow me up moment. Shit. I will regret this forever lol. X
(Mate) Honestly don’t worry about it x
(SENT A SCREENSHOT OF MY MOST RECENT LIST)
Just to prove it. Sorry x
(Mate) ***** honestly don’t worry about it x
Well. After 5 minutes of holding my head in my hands like the fucking monkey emoji, I decided I had to bite the bullet and go downstairs.
When Dave saw my face I reckon he thought someone had died.
Me: Dave. You know that selfie I just sent you?
Dave: Oh god what?
Me: I’m so sorry…
Dave: Just tell me, what?
Me: I accidentally sent it to…
Dave then burst into hysterical laughter for like 10 minutes, whilst pointing at me and rolling around the sofa. On the one hand it was great to see him genuinely laugh hard for the first time in weeks.
Me: Dave it’s not funny. Your mate has just seen me in my underwear asking him to bed!!!
Dave: He’s probably having a wank.
Dave: He should send you one in return. In fact, you might as well send it to all of my mates.
Me: Um… no.
So the lesson I’ve learnt here is next time I fancy taking a sexy selfie: DON’T. Just put on the underwear and go downstairs to show Dave in the flesh instead.
Oh, and to avoid seeing his mate until at least 2019.
Fuck. My. Life.