“If you don’t shag me tonight, I’m joining Tinder”

It has been 19 days since we last had sex.

NINETEEN DAYS.

For whatever reason we don’t seem to have sex during the TWW. Partly because of the exhaustion of shagging constantly during my fertile week, and partly because I (ridiculously) get scared that too much rough movement during sex in this time might prevent implantation.

And Dave absolutely refuses to entertain the idea of period sex. 

So, after adding up the TWW, a 4 day period and a few days of spotting, yesterday was time for us to just enjoy sex again.

No trying to make a baby. No emotions. Just sex.

I’d lost another 3lbs in weight this week, I’d had my hair done. I was feeling ‘fly’.

Dave had been all over me like a rash over the past few days, asking if I was “good to go down there.” He was feeling particularly horny yesterday because both his local football team and his Championship side had won their matches so he was in a celebratory mood.

We’d said yesterday evening that whilst we were both pleased to not be in the singles market anymore (I can’t remember how we got onto this subject) we both felt we’d missed out on the dating app phenomenon.

I’d joked that we should join Tinder for a laugh, see how many matches we could both get. He said we should do it.

We have a weird marriage, I know.

So anyway, in preparation for last night’s much-overdue session, I took a bath and prepped myself. I’d even chosen special bath salts to release my inner minx.

I’d just finished shaving my legs and vag when he sent me a text from downstairs. The conversation went a little like this.

D: I’ve got a really bad tummy ache 😔

Me: You serious?! Seriously?!

D: Yep, fraid so. Went for a poo bout 15 mins ago but still hurting. Can’t even watch TV it’s that distracting lol.

Me: Just have another shit! Too much fucking avocado!

D: Probably.

Me: And onion fucking bhajis! If I don’t get shagged tonight, I’m joining Tinder.

I subsequently Googled the side effects of eating too much avocado. And it turns out it can cause gastrointestinal irritation. So in his quest for super sperm (I think that’s why he’s been opting to eat one a day) he has bunged himself up in the process.

FML.

All I can say is thank god this is not a crucial window for me right now.

This morning he felt right as rain again and pounced on me in bed. I wasn’t having any of it.

But tonight I will.

If I don’t get laid, then I am 100% joining Tinder.

#jokingnotjoking


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