“I think the key to success is the blowjob.”

And thrush.

Yup, Dave’s immortal words after our session last night have come back to haunt us both in the form of the yeasty little bastard.

And the best bit?!

I’VE GOT IT IN MY FUCKING MOUTH TOO!!!

So I have thrush down there as well as on my tongue. FFS.

Let me rewind a little.

We agreed last night was going to be functional sex. He was more tired than me, but I also wasn’t particularly in the mood either. However, as my egg was playing its monthly charade of hide and seek, we couldn’t afford to skip yesterday in case my spike came today (it didn’t, as it happens). So it was 10:30pm when Dave dragged his sorry arse to bed and and laid there half asleep. I knew I had my work cut out, but a blow job never fails to get him going. So I got stuck in.

I’m not of the school of thought that blowjobs inhibit conception. It’s not like the sperm come out bathed in saliva and we use pre-seed anyway. And besides, it’s always been part of our foreplay. Dave has a stronger and more sustained erection when I go down on him too so we see it as an investment in the end goal.

Or to quote Dave “the key to success.”

Well he would say that wouldn’t he?

I was a little put off when Dave commented on my more-toned arm muscles whilst I was bobbing up and down (do you think Slimming World would count that towards Body Magic?!) and we decided to call it a day when Dave got too excited and thrusted at the wrong moment, nearly choking me/causing me to puke.

We got the business done, the post-coital routine of me logging the heart on my 127 fertility apps and Dave browsing social media on his phone was conducted, and then we went to sleep.

Fast forward to today and I noticed… down there.

Now I’m no stranger to thrush. Unfortunately I get it everytime I have to take antibiotics, and we’ve had a couple of bouts passed between us too during the course of our 10 year relationship. Everybody’s symptoms are different but I don’t get the yeasty vag, itching or smell. My telltale sign is feeling like my lady parts have swollen in size, a little dryness and my clitoris is hyper-sensitive. To the point that it is a painful horniness. Dave’s symptoms are dryness, soreness and little bumps.

So I tried to ignore it today, telling myself that we’ve just had a lot of sex recently, and bury my head in the metaphorical sand. But as soon as I came home from work, Dave looks at me oddly. Then he says “I think I’ve got thrush.”

And dammit, we both admitted that things are a little tender for us both. Dave naturally blames me (of course) because I am the one with the vagina. I told him to fuck off because he got a blowjob out of me last night. 

Then the realisation hit me.

Yesterday I was noticing a paste-y taste in my mouth. I put it down to not drinking enough water throughout the day. But today I noticed the taste was more pronounced and my tongue/mouth felt weird. So as soon as I finished that sentence, I look at Dave, he looks at me and we both walk to the mirror mounted on the wall.

I open wide.

And there is a slight white film covering my tongue.

Immediately Dave apologises. The guilt on his face just about showed through his laughter. The bastard.

I headed straight back out to Boots again to pick up Canesten Duo (pill and cream) for us both. I didn’t care if men should take the pill or not – HE WAS TAKING IT. 

I came home, threw the box at Dave in a not-at-all-passive-aggressive-way and we both popped our pills at the same time.

In fact, we even chinked water glasses and said cheers. How very British of us.

So now I’m having to grapple with the following:

1. I most likely gave thrush to myself via my husband’s dick – either starting with my vagina and passing it to my mouth or vice versa.

2. If I haven’t got my temp spike tomorrow then we are out for the rest of this cycle because we can’t have sex again until we’re both cleared up. That PISSES me off.

3. I am not giving a selfless blowjob ever again. Ever. Dave, if you’re reading this, NOT EVER.

And do you know what that smarmy shit said to me this evening? Knowing that I gave up bread for Slimming World since January he quipped “You miss bread that much that you’ve resorted to making it yourself – in your vag and your mouth!”

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Ha.

Hm.

We’ll see who’s laughing when you’re not getting a blow job until next year darling.


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