Someone I know inadvertently upset me this week. It wasn’t intentional. It wasn’t a personal or prying question that did it. They simply asked “How are things going with you?”
Sometimes that question is like opening Pandora’s box. If that lid is lifted, all the emotions come spilling out like a can of worms and it’s a battle to scoop them all up again and put them back inside. So in general I keep that lid firmly shut. With a lock on it. 4 locks.
There are a lot of reminders at work that life is slipping on by. And I hate it. Each reminder of a week, or month, passing is a reminder that I’m STILL not pregnant.
Every morning, I do the calendar with my class. It is part of our start-of-the-day routine. We have this thing on a Wednesday where we acknowledge that it is ‘hump day’ and on our way to the weekend. Then on a Friday we celebrate that it’s the end of another week. Before trying to conceive this used to be exciting. But now I’m like “what the hell?” Another week passed by. And then a month. And I’m STILL not pregnant.
Then there are the weekly themes I do for my class throughout the year – Harvest, Halloween, Christmas, Fairy Tales, Mother’s Day, Easter, Holidays… each year I think “well I’ll pack those resources away because it’ll be a while til I use them again as I’ll be pregnant and on maternity leave this time next year.” Except I’m STILL not pregnant.
There’s also someone at work due to go on maternity leave in April. She has a beautiful neat bump. I only ever see her once a week so she changes each time I see her. I’m really happy for her because we talked about her longing for a second baby and now she has one. She knew I was trying as well. But that conversation feels like a month ago. It was NINE months ago. Where has that time gone? And here I am. STILL not pregnant.
Another is also due to come back from maternity leave at Easter. I struggled during her pregnancy. She fell pregnant a month after marrying and this made me jealous. Stupidly so. I really convinced myself that I would be off on my own maternity leave by the time she came back. It would have made the pill easier to swallow. But that’s not going to happen. I’m STILL not pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live my life by NOT living my life, if you know what I mean? I don’t stop getting on with things. I don’t stop committing to my job. I don’t stop getting involved with friends’ and colleagues’ lives just because they have babies and I don’t. I don’t stop making plans. I don’t put my life on hold.
But every now and then, a reminder is slapped in my face that I’m STILL not pregnant. Another month. Another period. Another fail.
I can’t stop time passing, and nor do I want to. But I wish it would just slow down sometimes.