Hooker sex, bargaining with blow jobs, a man’s Kryptonite, and can you catch a cold from semen?

Amongst Dave being ill over the past 10 days, I tempted, titillated and terrified him this week.

I was a desperate woman on the point of raping him a few days back. I do believe I actually said “just wap it out and I’ll sit on it. Leave it to me to take care of the rest.” This was when he was 99% dead on the sofa. But I didn’t care about that. The 1% of him that was still alive I was convinced would be able to muster up an erection. If I could just get his spunk it’ll be good. If you’re not TTC you won’t understand this level of desperation and insensitivity. If you are TTC, you’ll get it. You left your dignity at the door when you first started trying to take a picture of your cervix with the zoom function of your phone. Yes there are women who do that. No I am not one of them.

I pacified him and said we could have hooker sex. From behind. No foreplay. No kissing. Just down to business.

I tried to bargain with him by promising an indulgent blow job (and I don’t normally pull those out of the bag except for special occasions). 

I showed him some beautiful EWCM with ovulation spotting on toilet paper (not intentionally, but he caught me taking a photo of it to show my K sisters online) and I thrust it in his face with glee. “Look! LOOK! This has never happened before! Ovulation bleeding!” Turns out that was the Kryptonite.

When I eventually gave up and gave in, it dawned on me – if exchanging bodily fluids through kissing spreads illness, surely the same can happen with semen? 

Dave is ill, his penis is attached to him, therefore his penis has a cold. And him ejaculating is like an internal sneeze of germs. Into my J.

No thanks.


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