Welcome to the One Year Club, an exclusive membership-only society that nobody actually wants to fucking join. But tough shit. Once you’re in it, that badge is branded on your heart.
Conditions for acceptance into the OYC include, but are not limited or exclusive to:
1. One solid year of trying for a baby.
2. 12 instances (roughly) of crying on the toilet when your period has come. Less for those with irregular and/or long cycles, more for those with shorter ones.
3. At least 100 OPKs and pregnancy tests used. AT LEAST.
4. Medical appointments to take your blood and probe your lady parts.
5. Taking your temp up to 500+ times (if you’re like me and take it multiple times a day in the TWW).
6. Sticking your middle finger in your vagina to feel your cervix, with not a fucking clue as to what an open or closed one feels like, so you have Google open on your phone in one hand and your finger probing inside with the other. Dignified.
7. Inspecting your pants or toilet paper – sometimes held up to your face – for traces of fertile cervical mucus. Again, this may involve fingering yourself again to retrieve a good sample. Again, DIGNIFIED.
8. Logging dozens of symptoms each month to discover PMS symptoms are EXACTLY THE SAME as pregnancy ones. FFS.
9. Enduring the time-warp emotional rollercoasters of 12 TWWs.
10. Downloading at least 5 fertility/tracking apps and logging data daily better than Steve who works in the IT department.
11. Having an internet search history that has the numbers and keywords: 0-14, BFP, BFN, DPO, symptoms, ovulation, Fahrenheit, Celsius, temp spike, temp dip, TTC, TWW, FSH, LP, FP etc.
12. Wasting approximately 10 hours a month on Google browsing symptoms and forums.
13. Witnessing friends, family members, colleagues, acquaintances, strangers and celebrities falling pregnant and announcing their news with a scan photo.
14. Witnessing the above people get pregnant with their SECOND child.
15. Crying and being in a bad mood for the rest of the day after logging into Facebook or Instagram for the above reason.
16. Having a significant other that knows your cycle, fertile week, symptoms and mood as well as you do.
17. Having sex dozens of times (our total is 68 – that I logged).
18. Having at least one yeast infection. That you pass back to each other. Because of all the unprotected sex you’re having.
19. Having sex when you, frankly, don’t fucking fancy it, on more than one occasion. But you’ve got to. Or you’ll miss the egg.
20. Tried different things each cycle to improve your chances, be it foodstuffs, drinks, supplements or lubricants.
21. Experienced a loss of some kind – chemical pregnancy or miscarriage.
22. A swollen tongue from biting it so hard after awkward, personal and intrusive questions about when you’re having kids.
23. Made many close friends who are also in the same boat as you.
24. Taken a month or two off because of the pressure it’s putting on your sex life, relationship and sanity.
25. Had at least one breakdown where you contemplate jacking it all in, lashing out at your partner and giving up on the whole fucking charade. But after a million shed tears, sympathetic hugs from your partner and supportive words from your tribe, you dust yourself off, pick yourself up and carry on.
Exclusions to the OYC are as follows:
1. Those that have accidentally fallen pregnant “without even trying”.
2. Those that get drunk and have “oops” babies.
3. Those that have “relaxed and stopped trying so hard”.
Fuck off. You’re barred.