The One Year Club

Welcome to the One Year Club, an exclusive membership-only society that nobody actually wants to fucking join. But tough shit. Once you’re in it, that badge is branded on your heart. 

Conditions for acceptance into the OYC include, but are not limited or exclusive to:

1. One solid year of trying for a baby.

2. 12 instances (roughly) of crying on the toilet when your period has come. Less for those with irregular and/or long cycles, more for those with shorter ones.

3. At least 100 OPKs and pregnancy tests used. AT LEAST.

4. Medical appointments to take your blood and probe your lady parts.

5. Taking your temp up to 500+ times (if you’re like me and take it multiple times a day in the TWW).

6. Sticking your middle finger in your vagina to feel your cervix, with not a fucking clue as to what an open or closed one feels like, so you have Google open on your phone in one hand and your finger probing inside with the other. Dignified.

7. Inspecting your pants or toilet paper – sometimes held up to your face – for traces of fertile cervical mucus. Again, this may involve fingering yourself again to retrieve a good sample. Again, DIGNIFIED.

8. Logging dozens of symptoms each month to discover PMS symptoms are EXACTLY THE SAME as pregnancy ones. FFS.

9. Enduring the time-warp emotional rollercoasters of 12 TWWs.

10. Downloading at least 5 fertility/tracking apps and logging data daily better than Steve who works in the IT department.

11. Having an internet search history that has the numbers and keywords: 0-14, BFP, BFN, DPO, symptoms, ovulation, Fahrenheit, Celsius, temp spike, temp dip, TTC, TWW, FSH, LP, FP etc.

12. Wasting approximately 10 hours a month on Google browsing symptoms and forums.

13. Witnessing friends, family members, colleagues, acquaintances, strangers and celebrities falling pregnant and announcing their news with a scan photo.

14. Witnessing the above people get pregnant with their SECOND child.

15. Crying and being in a bad mood for the rest of the day after logging into Facebook or Instagram for the above reason.

16. Having a significant other that knows your cycle, fertile week, symptoms and mood as well as you do.

17. Having sex dozens of times (our total is 68 – that I logged).

18. Having at least one yeast infection. That you pass back to each other. Because of all the unprotected sex you’re having.

19. Having sex when you, frankly, don’t fucking fancy it, on more than one occasion. But you’ve got to. Or you’ll miss the egg.

20. Tried different things each cycle to improve your chances, be it foodstuffs, drinks, supplements or lubricants.

21. Experienced a loss of some kind – chemical pregnancy or miscarriage.

22. A swollen tongue from biting it so hard after awkward, personal and intrusive questions about when you’re having kids.

23. Made many close friends who are also in the same boat as you.

24. Taken a month or two off because of the pressure it’s putting on your sex life, relationship and sanity.

25. Had at least one breakdown where you contemplate jacking it all in, lashing out at your partner and giving up on the whole fucking charade. But after a million shed tears, sympathetic hugs from your partner and supportive words from your tribe, you dust yourself off, pick yourself up and carry on.

Exclusions to the OYC are as follows:

1. Those that have accidentally fallen pregnant “without even trying”.

2. Those that get drunk and have “oops” babies.

3. Those that have “relaxed and stopped trying so hard”. 

Fuck off. You’re barred.


13 thoughts on “The One Year Club

  1. Love this but hate this too as it’s so true. I am almost in the 1 year club. My partners SA analysis has shown not normal shaped sperm and this does not appear to bode well. I am taking a break from FB and Kindara for my own sanity as this month has been tough. I will keep following your blog and hoping our little families expand soon!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this post! I’m 8 dpo today and took a test just willing/begging/pleading for there to be a second line because tomorrow marks 1 year of me stopping BC. Because it was obviously stark white I am now negotiating with myself that I have until January 7th to get my bfp because that was the start of my first official cycle of trying. I’ve got heartburn I’m so stressed about meeting this self-imposed due date and the fear of AF showing up. I need a beer!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. One of the shittest clubs in the world ever. The only thing that makes it bareable is the support from you K ladies and knowing that you’re not alone in this. Being able to share the lows (and hopefully eventually the highs) with ladies that understand EXACTLY what you’re going through on this emotional rollercoaster is the only thing that keeps me sane. We just gotta keep hoping and shagging, I suppose that’s all that we can do

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I have used maybe one pregnancy test, the one cycle that I had no spotting and a luteal phase of more than 12 days. And I’ve never experienced a loss, chemical pregnancy or otherwise, because I can’t even hold onto my lining for long enough to implant. But other than that most of this applies to me. I hope you get to graduate from the shitty club soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I love this! So much.
    And hate this, equally so.

    Perfectly written, as always!

    Baby dust to all of us. And like, soon, because like, fuck this, it’s been long enough!!
    Haha… πŸ˜‚πŸ˜­πŸ˜Š

    πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read this. I will opt for laughing because i did enough of that last year. This list was my life, too, in 2016.

    May be drown ourselves in so much baby dust that we burp sprinkles and get our rainbow babies! πŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ‘ΌπŸΌ

    Like

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