Dave and I haven’t involved food in our sex life before. Not unless you count using ice cubes, Tic Tacs and Polos with blow jobs.
Out at dinner tonight, celebrating the end of term with a pub meal, we had the following conversation:
Me: Dave, what food would you really fancy eating off my body?
Me: Yeah. Go wild.
Dave: (thinks about this for a long time) Donner meat, chips and chilli sauce.
Me: Donner meat, chips and chilli sauce?
Me: I was thinking honey, whipped cream, chocolate sauce, strawberries. But you’re thinking of a takeaway?
Me: DONNER MEAT? CHIPS? CHILLI SAUCE?!
Dave: Donner meat on the left tit, chips on the right tit, and chilli sauce to make the fanny tingle.
(I swear to god I am not making this shit up)
Me: Right, can you be serious now?
Dave: Serious? Okay I’ll give you a serious answer.
Long thoughtful pause.
Dave: A nice Brie or Camembert.
Dave: A nice cheesy tit and a warm French baguette. In the fanny hole. Where the yeast is made.
(I am literally looking at him like, I am going to stab you with my fork in a minute.)
Dave: I’m only joking! Let’s be serious. What would you eat off me?
Me: You want a serious answer? Like I wanted from you?
Dave: Yes, what would you eat off me?
(Long thoughtful pause from me)
Me: Channing Tatum.
Dave: I knew it.
Me: I’d have Channing Tatum and Tom Hardy in a sandwich. And Gerard Butler would provide the mayonnaise.