A bittersweet day

​So today I’m in full AF mode. That means a little bit cranky, and whole lot emotional.

I’m very much okay with my period though (for a change!) as it means I’m back in the baby making game this cycle. 2 weeks from now I’ll be back in my fertile time and the excitement of hopefully making a baby will be upon us again.

But (could you sense one coming?) I held a baby today. My hairdresser’s beautiful, warm, adorable, sleeping 6 week old baby. Having her snuggle in my arms in a sleepy slumber made my heart melt. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She smelt of milk. Her cheeks were chubby and rosy. Her skin was the softest I have ever felt. I was in love.

But she wasn’t mine. Passing her back to her dad I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I blinked back my emotions and just watched as she got wrapped up snug in the cutest and fluffiest coat with little furry ears. Seeing her dad hold her made my ovaries burst with longing as I desperately want to see Dave with our baby.

I wasn’t jealous. I wasn’t sad. But I was empty. I just felt… incomplete. I NEED to be a mother. Holding other people’s babies and playing temporary mum to class full of kids 5 days a week just reminds me of what I so desperately want.

And then we bought the Christmas tree today. I love everything Christmas! I love watching Christmas films, listening to Christmas songs as I decorate the house and the tree.

But then it was a bittersweet reminder that Dave and I honestly thought this Christmas we’d have a baby with us. I pictured having to relinquish control of decorating the tree to Dave as I would be tending to the baby. I thought we’d have a cute little booty decoration for the tree to commemorate our first born. I imagined having to do the Christmas shopping with a huge bump or a baby buggy to navigate.

Had our chemical pregnancy worked out that would have been the case.

As it happens, this cycle marks one year of trying for our longed-for baby with no success.

But our disappointment won’t stop us enjoying Christmas like we always do. And getting royally fucking drunk over a 2 week period.

Might as well make the most of our freedom whilst we still can!


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