Yes, my TTC irrational thoughts have hit a new high (or low?).
It is no longer pregnant women I feel jealous of, but pregnant primates too. Especially primates who aren’t even TRYING to get pregnant.
Confused? Trust me, it’s not just you.
I was innocently watching a TV programme this weekend called the Secret Life of the Zoo, based in Chester, UK. On it was an orangutan called Sarikei. After a visit by Willie to her enclosure a few weeks back, the zoo suspected she was pregnant.
Now Sarikei was minding her business being plied with 4 litres of blackcurrant juice whilst the zookeeper stood under her cage waiting for her to piss so he could catch it in a jug. Once said sample was collected, a Clearblue digital pregnancy test was dipped in and confirmed she was, indeed, ‘PREGNANT’.
I have a number of issues with this.
First – so Willie just rocks up ONE time, whips his, erm, willy out and knocks her up? JUST LIKE THAT? Huh. Way to go Willie. Way to go.
Second – Sarikei didn’t even WANT to get pregnant. She wants to be left alone to eat bananas! She didn’t check her temp every morning. She didn’t track her cervical mucus. She didn’t demand Willie get down from the trees and drag his sorry ass to bed for baby making sex. He probably just wanted to be left alone to eat bananas too goddammit.
Third – 4 LITRES OF BLACKCURRANT JUICE?! That would just dilute the sample – duh! And it wasn’t even her FMU. She just had no idea. If you’re going to do it, do it right for God’s sake…
Fourth – what the hell was that zookeeper doing using a Clearblue digi for a first test? Where were the Wondfos? The OneSteps? Hell, the FRER?! She didn’t go through the agony of pissing on loads of sticks, obsessively analysing them for lines and taking photos of them with 100 filters!
Fifth – an orangutan has got pregnant before me without even trying.
Fuck you Sarikei. Fuck you.