Like an ugly model, you ain’t never gonna make that test into something it’s not

I am, of course, talking about pregnancy tests.

I don’t care if you have an A* in GCSE Photography or the skills of Mario Testino. It matters not. If you are not pregnant then YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. Doing any of the list below will not change a BFN into a BFP.

1. Looking at the test too soon and staring at it until you have ‘line eyes’.

2. Holding it up at a different angle until that line appears.

3. Literally staring at it for 10. SOLID. MINUTES. NON. STOP.

4. Taking a photo of it on your phone because although you can’t see a second line in the flesh with actual eyes there’s a real chance that your phone’s magic skills will make one appear.

5. Applying 109 different filters, inverting the image, using the negative function, ANYTHING to force that little bugger to show up.

6. Taking a photo of the test against a different background. A white background preferably.

7. Taking a photo of the test in different lights – fluorescent, natural, candle, whatever.

8. Posting the picture on online forums for other people to tweak and comment.

9. Digging an old test out the bin – repeatedly, over several hours – to see if the line has decided to show yet.

10. Googling evap lines vs BFPs.

11. Ripping apart a digital test that reads NOT PREGNANT to see the test strip for yourself because you don’t believe a word that the little shit says.

12. Dipping a HCG strip in your own blood because the hormone is more strong in blood than urine. I know an actual person who has tried this. 

I am guilty of doing everything but the blood dip test. I cannot guarantee that I WON’T do this when the ‘crazy’ next gets me again, but considering I’m a big pansy and can’t even bring myself to tweeze my own eyebrows, I can’t imagine I would ever find the courage to stab myself until I bleed.

I’m not a fucking vampire FFS.


7 thoughts on “Like an ugly model, you ain’t never gonna make that test into something it’s not

  1. My worst habbit is reading threads where people had negative pregnancy tests but we’re actually pregnant and it didn’t show up until they had blood tests. We’ve been trying for over 2 years and I’ve now become lazy in my attempts. My attitude is very much “if it happens it happens”. I have PCOD and the magic solution is to lose weight. Except I really like cake… and Chinese food.

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  2. My boyfriend is diabetic so theoretically if I wanted to test my blood I could just steal the little thing he has for pricking his finger to measure his blood sugar. Luckily for him my luteal phase is so short that I’ve never even reached the stage where a pregnancy test would even be a realistic possibility. I start spotting waaaay before I have any reason to suspect I might be pregnant. And once the spotting starts I know I’m out even if my period takes another 3-4 days to start properly.

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      1. I have my first appointment with a specialist next Thursday. SO far I’ve been prescribed vitex (yes, that’s a thing that actual doctors will prescribe here?!), which did nothing. My gynaecologist refused to refer me or do any tests until I’d actually been trying for a year though – even though she looked at my charts and literally said my luteal phase was too short and she suspected low progesterone (then in the same breath said “but it’s normal not to have conceived after only 11 months. Seriously? You JUST said I obviously have a problem?!). Hopefully the RE will do something.

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