I am, of course, talking about pregnancy tests.
I don’t care if you have an A* in GCSE Photography or the skills of Mario Testino. It matters not. If you are not pregnant then YOU ARE NOT PREGNANT. Doing any of the list below will not change a BFN into a BFP.
1. Looking at the test too soon and staring at it until you have ‘line eyes’.
2. Holding it up at a different angle until that line appears.
3. Literally staring at it for 10. SOLID. MINUTES. NON. STOP.
4. Taking a photo of it on your phone because although you can’t see a second line in the flesh with actual eyes there’s a real chance that your phone’s magic skills will make one appear.
5. Applying 109 different filters, inverting the image, using the negative function, ANYTHING to force that little bugger to show up.
6. Taking a photo of the test against a different background. A white background preferably.
7. Taking a photo of the test in different lights – fluorescent, natural, candle, whatever.
8. Posting the picture on online forums for other people to tweak and comment.
9. Digging an old test out the bin – repeatedly, over several hours – to see if the line has decided to show yet.
10. Googling evap lines vs BFPs.
11. Ripping apart a digital test that reads NOT PREGNANT to see the test strip for yourself because you don’t believe a word that the little shit says.
12. Dipping a HCG strip in your own blood because the hormone is more strong in blood than urine. I know an actual person who has tried this.
I am guilty of doing everything but the blood dip test. I cannot guarantee that I WON’T do this when the ‘crazy’ next gets me again, but considering I’m a big pansy and can’t even bring myself to tweeze my own eyebrows, I can’t imagine I would ever find the courage to stab myself until I bleed.
I’m not a fucking vampire FFS.