*If you think this is a serious post with sensible advice, I am being sarcastic you utter knob jockey.
Every woman who is trying to conceive LOVES to hear success stories about how your next door neighbour’s sister-in-law’s friend’s daughter managed to get pregnant. NO?! We DON’T?!
That’s right. We. Fucking. Don’t.
I couldn’t give a runny shit about how they got pregnant first try by doing the downward dog for 20 minutes after a tantric sex session after the woman had spent all cycle drinking pomegranate juice, eating pineapples and sticking acupuncture needles in her arse at £100 a pop.
With a little help from my fellow TTC friends across the world I have compiled some excellent twatty nuggets of advice and comments we are just desperate to hear from others.
1. Download a fertility or period tracker app – it tells you when you are fertile. Don’t worry, I have at least 5 on my phone AND my iPad.
2. Did you know you ovulate? Make sure you have sex then. NO SHIT?! I was having sex on my period all of this time! No wonder I wasn’t getting pregnant!
3. Just relax and it’ll happen when you’re least expecting it. I’m the queen of fucking relaxation. Don’t tell me to relax.
4. Don’t douche after sex. I’m not an absolute cretin FFS.
5. Get drunk and it’ll happen. I’ve had drunk sex, and sober sex, and neither has gotten me pregnant.
6. You don’t want children anyway – they ruin your life. They might ruin YOUR life but this is all I want actually. Keep your insensitive negativity about parenthood to yourself.
7. You’ll understand when you have kids. I do understand without them already, but thanks all the same for reminding I don’t have something that I desperately want.
8. OPKs work. No they don’t. Not for everyone. Certainly not for me.
9. You want to cut dairy/sugar/caffeine/alcohol from your diet. You mean every enjoyable food group? With no guarantee of it working? Whilst the obese alcoholic with diabetes falls pregnant without changing her lifestyle at all? I’ll take my chances thanks, unless a doctor orders me.
10. Once you stop trying it’ll happen. Oh. My. God.
11. Maybe you’re too stressed out? Mm. By you. Being a dick.
12. Have you tried doing it in different positions? My bedroom antics put Christian Grey to shame, ta. I’ve been doing the sex thing for a loooong time now.
13. Maybe you’re just not meant to have kids. It’s time for you to run away now as I am about to punch the stupid out of your face.
Do you know what I ACTUALLY want to hear? That it’s shit. That the odds of successfully making a baby are shit. But that you have my back. And that you aren’t going to tell me any of the above. And that you wish me all the luck in the world. I’m cool with that.
Because that’s the fucking truth of the situation.