Bear suits, a butternut squash and baby making

I often wonder how the hell Dave and I find each other attractive enough to go to bed with each other. (It helps that I find him insanely fit, of course). 

Last year Dave started a new pet name for me (I’m on my 37th, at least, by now) of Little Bear. Eventually the ‘little’ got dropped and now I’m just Bear. He, apparently, is my Bear Keeper. In his phone I am ‘Wife Bear’. He uses bear emojis in nearly every text he sends. Last Christmas he found an adult sized bear onesie complete with little ears and a red bow tie. He insists I wear it ALL THE TIME. He finds it incredibly cute. Especially when I’m trying to reach into a kitchen cupboard and I’m too short. Which is all well and fine but I’m a 30 year old grown woman and I’d quite like to be found sexy again! His first nickname for me 10 years ago was Sexy Pants, because I wore (yup) sexy pants. Original. Sometimes I long to go back to those days when I was hot, and not cute. You can’t have sex with a cute furry bear FFS! So I have a rule – in the bedroom, I’m not allowed to be called Bear. I’m his wife. Calling me ‘Sexy Bear’ is also not acceptable. Bestiality is absolutely NOT something to joke about.

Then there’s Dave. He’s a special soul. He sent me a text the other night about pink fluffy unicorns. 

Last night he surprised me with a butternut squash the size of a marrow and the length of his thigh (no exaggeration) that a customer gave to him. Of course, he’s not going to eat it. No. It was a plaything for him. First of all he pretended it was a dick, then Simba from The Lion King and then (ridiculously) a baby. He carried the thing around all night and actually put it to ‘sleep’ on a pillow at the end of our bed.

I fuck you not.

Yet somehow, the two of us are trying to be parents. But Dave’s my best friend and his goofy sense of humour means he’ll make a great dad. He’ll be the sort to arrange the toy dinosaurs into a scene of carnage for our child to discover in the morning to make them think they were alive.

And one day, Papa Bear and Mama Bear will have a Baby Bear. And that cub will be loved so much.


6 thoughts on “Bear suits, a butternut squash and baby making

    1. We’re just strange like that! Obviously anything large and girthy has to be pretended to be a dick, the Simba thing was when he was lifting it up because it was so heavy, he did it in such a way that looked like Simba held up by the baboon! And then the baby… well, fuck knows! The next morning he put it on the kitchen floor with a knife in it and red ketchup oozing over it and accused me of killing it. FML…

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      1. Oh don’t worry, we are definitely strange too! The dick part was perfectly obvious… it’s just getting from there to baby. And now the poor thing’s dead? Haha! I love butternut squash so I would have been totally unimpressed if my boyfriend ruined one like that 😛

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