Queefing

Who the fuck thought of that name?! 

The definition on Urban Dictionary made me laugh a little bit too much, especially the example they give:

When too much air builds up during insertion from the penis. When the penis is removed it results in the excretion of air buildup and is released without female control. “Farting”

As Jake was removing his massive dick from her wet pussy, she queefed.

The first time it happened to me was about 9 years ago and I was shagging Dave in his bedroom at his parents’ house. We had been out for drinks, snuck back really late in the middle of the night, and proceeded to get down with it as silently as we could (as his parents slept in the room next door). All was well, the bed wasn’t creaking, I wasn’t moaning, but then my vagina decided to shatter the silence.

As Dave pulled out so we could switch positions, a sound came from me that I could only liken to a balloon deflating. And then because I found that hilarious, my laugh forced another one out. Then Dave properly lost it, nearly pissing himself with laughter. I got off the bed and squatted on the floor to check all the air was out, and THE LARGEST QUEEF EVER ESCAPED. It was the gift that kept on giving. I was laughing and queefing and laughing and queefing. God knows what his parents heard that night. Hopefully they just assumed it was flatuence of the arse and not of the fanny! I honestly can’t remember if we were able to finish what we started that night.

Fast forward 9 years to last night and it was like we were in time warp, except we were in our 30s now and had a mortgage and could make as much noise as we liked.

It was like we were 21 again. Got home from a night out, a little bit too much to drink, him stinking of cigarettes, aftershave and beer… You can picture the scene. The obligatory hand job, blow job, doggy combination. A drunk randy man’s dream. And then the queef happened. Flashbacks to circa 2007 came flooding back. And we just laughed. It’s such a levelling experience in anyone’s relationship! I love that about our marriage. We can laugh at anything, nothing much embarrasses us.

What makes me laugh the most about queefing is that EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW HAS QUEEFED AT SOME POINT IN HER ADULT LIFE. Just picture that. The next woman you look at in the eye has had air forced out of her vagina so vigorously that her fanny farted. 

Even the Queen. 

Just remember that.


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