It started today.
I am 10DPO and I have officially pissed on my first stick this cycle.
But I haven’t JUST pissed on that stick. I have analysed it. I have stared at it. I have seen a second line. I have imagined a second line. I have taken a photo of the stick in different lights and applied different filters. I have inverted the image to negative to see if that imagined second line is there (it’s not). I have googled evap lines. I have thrown that stick in the bin and retrieved it again later for further study. THREE TIMES. I have even ripped the stick apart to examine it more closely. I am counting down the hours until the next time I can piss on a fucking bit of paper.
I am fully immersed in The POAS Insanity.
I told myself I would wait until at least AF was due this time round. But we all know that resolve doesn’t last. My high temps on my BBT chart are too tempting to ignore (but I’m still expecting that predictable drop off the precipice on my chart. Literally, it’s like my temp is a lemming committing suicide off a cliff).
My bottom drawer in the bathroom is stuffed with various pregnancy tests, all teasing me to piss on them. And I ignore them as best I can. Because nobody WANTS to see just one line appear. They want to see two pink lines, or a blue cross or PREGNANT in digital format.
I long to see those 2 pink lines. And every month that they don’t show, my heart breaks just a little bit more.
But we keep on going. We carry on pissing on sticks until we see that longed for BFP, even though the process is self-inflicted torture. Because the thought of giving up on the dream is more heartbreaking than seeing NOT PREGNANT on the digital test, or the stark white stick that is now sitting in my bathroom bin.