Just relax…

Fuck off.

And when you get there, fuck off from there too.

Then fuck off some more.

Keep fucking off until you get back here.

Then fuck off again.

Of COURSE! How did I not think of this?! I should have known that the reason I’m not pregnant yet is because I need to relaaaaaax. Damn! And to think I’ve missed out on these past few months because I didn’t act on this sage piece of advice. Do you charge for your words of wisdom? Or do you generously impart your expert knowledge for free, out of the goodness of your heart? I am honoured to be the recipient of your insight.

NEWSFLASH! Stress doesn’t stop you getting pregnant. If that was the case, then how are all the female CEOs, nurses, doctors, firefighters, teachers, police officers, lawyers etc. mums? Pretty stressful jobs huh? Didn’t stop them…

Stress MAY delay ovulation (I’ve experienced it myself) and MAY be a contributing factor to miscarriage, but stress does not – I repeat DOES NOT – prevent conception. Do you really think that the sperm make that life-threatening journey over several hours, with every obstacle thrown at them, only to get to the egg and go “No, I just can’t, I’m too stressed to see this through. I think I’ll shrivel up here and die instead.” Or that the egg, after being the lazy cow that she is, decides to make her appearance after a 2 week sleep, and sees the determined sperm on her doorstep, puts her hand up and says “Not today, chaps. I have a headache. I’m too stressed. Come back again next month.”

If that egg and that successful sperm decide they will get down and dirty, then they will. The fact that the woman hasn’t had a 2 hour bath with candles and roses, followed by 3 hours of meditation and 4 hours of tantric sex to make her ‘relaaaaaaax’ does not even come into it.

So don’t insult us when you say “Just relax and it’ll happen.” Say that to the woman with PCOS, or fibroids, or countless other factors contributing to her infertility. I DARE you to say that and see what reaction you get. (Probably none as we’re too decent to say what we really feel to your face. We just bitch about you on forums instead.)

We don’t need you to tell us to relax. 99% of us 99% of the time ARE relaxed. How can you not be relaxed when you’re making love (or horny rough dirty sex) with your husband? The time when we are stressed is when ‘helpful’ people like yourselves tell us to relax, or when we get our period and beat ourselves up because apparently it is our fault we failed this cycle because we didn’t ‘relax’ enough. It’s not helpful. It’s hurtful. Because it implies that we are somehow responsible for how successful we are. We’re not. It’s pot luck.

And as for that little nugget “Try not to think about it”. Thank you. The next time I have stabbing ovulation pains I WON’T THINK ABOUT IT. When I go to the toilet and notice the egg white cervical mucus in my pants, I shall avert my eyes AND NOT THINK ABOUT IT. When the day my period is due is approaching and I consider the possibility of being pregnant, I shall do as you say AND NOT THINK ABOUT IT. Because, of course, if I think about it, it won’t happen. Duh!

And if you’re pregnant already or have children yourself and say ‘just relax’? Ha! Just don’t. Not unless you want a slap.


4 thoughts on “Just relax…

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