I know, I know, you can’t plan EXACTLY when you fall pregnant. As much as I’d like to. In fact, if I could pay £10,000 to guarantee when I would fall pregnant and the month I would give birth, I would have saved that money years go. Obviously IUI and IVF doesn’t count in this scenario because the success rate for those procedures is disappointingly low. According to the stats I’ve read, you have a 20% chance of falling pregnant naturally each month (if you’re having regular unprotected sex) and each IVF cycle also has a 20% success rate. So, ultimately, even with all the timing, the charts, the thermometers, the prenatal pills, the SMEP and all the bollocks that comes with TTC, you only have a 1 in 5 shot at it anyway.
This doesn’t help my OCD. I am a planner. I am an organiser. I am a control freak. I don’t believe in God, and therefore I don’t believe there is a holy ‘plan’ for me (personal beliefs, no criticism of religious TTC-ers at all). But the atheist in me struggles with this. I would actually love the comfort of being able to accept it will happen when God wants it to. I would love to have comfort from the act of prayer. But I’m not that person. I believe it is all down to me, Dave and what we can do about it. This makes it harder to bear when we ‘fail’. You can’t help but take the failure personally and beat yourself up over it.
When we started TTC officially over Christmas 2015, I genuinely thought that Christmas 2016 would be a very different one because I would be pregnant or have a baby by then. I remember being hungover for pretty much 10 days straight over the holiday period and saying to Dave that I should make the most of it because this time next year I won’t be able to drink. Now this self-imposed deadline is creeping up and there’s still no sign of a baby, I’m not looking forward to this Christmas as much as I’d hoped. Christmas will mark a year of trying. Christmas will mean we will have to start having conversations about getting ‘help’ (something I thought – hoped – we’d never have to do). Christmas, had my chemical pregnancy in March worked out, would have meant a newborn baby in our lives.
With each month that passes, I’ve learned to let it go more and more. My mum said to me a few months ago, that TTC would be my biggest challenge in my life because I would have to learn to hand over the control and practice a bit of patience. She knows me too well!
As a teacher, I would rather have a baby between September and May. This is more to do with maternity leave and pay, rather than the mistruths about summer babies (I have taught some very bright summer babies who have not lost out by being at school with one less year at home than their September-born classmates). With it now being the end of September, if I was to fall pregnant this month it would mean a June baby. I’m not keen on this. Obviously I would be delighted with a BFP whenever I get it but we are taking the pressure off ourselves between now and December. We’re NTNA. If it happens, it happens.
But if anyone can guarantee me a September 2017 baby, take my money!