There should definitely be a feature on smartphones to prevent you Googling certain words and phrases. Maybe there is, and I just don’t know about it (please do let me know if that is the case!)
If you take a look through my internet search history (please don’t) there is a pattern. Every 1st and 2nd week, there will be daily temperature conversions being searched (36.2 in Fahrenheit, 36.9 in Fahrenheit, 97.33 in Celsius, 98.18 in Celsius…) You would think I would have memorised the conversions by now.
However, in the 3rd, 4th and (if it’s a shitty long cycle) 5th weeks there starts the inevitable combinations of number + DPO + perceived symptom + BFP. Every single fucking twinge, smell, sound and feeling becomes a possible preggo symptom. On CD1 I may well be quite thirsty that day and I’ll think nothing of it. But if I’m thirsty on CD28 then God help Google.
Every month I tell myself to stop being a silly bugger and ignore the symptoms. DO NOT GOOGLE I tell myself. I lay on the sofa or on my bed watching telly and my hands gravitate towards my phone. The twitching hours fall between 7pm and 10pm, and ad breaks during TV shows are the worst.
It’s like being a drug addict. You know it’s wrong, you know you shouldn’t do it, you know it’s bad for your (mental) health, but you do it anyway. You tell yourself, “just one more search won’t hurt”, “one more time and I promise I’ll stop”, “nobody needs to know”. And you scratch that itch. You scratch so much that your eyes sting from being so dry from staring at your phone screen and you realise you should have been asleep an hour ago. You get the initial rush which lasts for ooooh 10 minutes? And then the satisfaction wears off, and you have to search for hardcore symptoms to get your fix. Putting “10DPO BFP symptoms” won’t cut it anymore. You have to increase the dose to “10DPO stabbing pain in the vagina but temp drop BFP success stories” in order to satisfy your craving.
I have literally had every symptom ever linked to pregnancy. All of them. Sore boobs, itchy nipples, boobs that feel like they’re on fire, stabbing pain in the boobs, shooting pain in the boobs, prominent veins on the boobs, pain-FREE boobs, crawly nips, dry nips, erect nips, flat nips, lightning crotch, growing pains in the groin, aching legs, twitching legs, restless legs, creamy CM, EWCM, dry CM, watery CM, yellow CM, bloating, stabbing pains in the tummy, shooting pains in the tummy, poking pains in the tummy, headaches, colds, fevers, hot flushes, thirst, dry chapped lips, insomnia, fatigue, hunger, loss of appetite, backache, light-headedness, dizziness, stuffy nose, sore throat, nosebleeds, high temps… And they have all led to nothing. Apart from my chemical pregnancy in March. These symptoms have told me nada. But still I obsessively monitor, spot, and Google.
Of course, we all play along with the charade. Every month. Across the world. Because we are sadomasochists. Praise be to Dr Google!