Irregular periods

One of the most frustrating things about TTC is having irregular cycles and not knowing exactly when your ovulation date will be.

I don’t have PCOS, and I don’t have crazy-long cycles like some unfortunate women out there, but my past 13 cycles have been (most recent first): 32, 36, 29, 31, 33, 32, 37, 44, 39, 38, 36, 39, and 40 days long. This puts my average at 35.8 days. But if I only do it for the most recent 6 cycles then my average is 32.1 days. There seems to be no rhyme or reason for the length of them. My stress levels remain consistent from one month to the next, and I’ve not done anything especially different in any of the cycles to decrease the length of them. Nope, my body seems to do whatever the fuck it wants to do.

This makes timing sex very difficult. And it has led to a lot of arguments with Dave previously because of the pressure it was putting on him. OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) don’t work for me, so I have to go off my temps, CM and previous ovulation dates. 6 different apps also happen to predict different fertile windows by my data as well. It means I’ve had to be very sneaky and trick Dave into shagging me on occasion. My number one tactic is making out I’m not in my fertile time, when I actually am. I hope that by acting not bothered, he will be rampant (because blokes like to get what they think they can’t have, don’t they?) Sometimes this works. Other times I can’t help myself blurting out to Dave that I’m creamy (he inevitably loses his appetite at this revelation, because I seem to have a bad habit of telling him when he’s eating). Sometimes I’ll text him “egg white” just to leave it in the atmosphere. Occasionally, but rarely, I’ll plead. And that’s not a good look.

What Dave sometimes doesn’t appreciate is that the window of opportunity is small. When I think it is a-go time, we need to get his spunk up there pronto. I’ve explained to him that his sperm can last 4-5 days in the right environment, but my egg will only survive 12-24 hours once released, so it is vitally important his boys are waiting up there for the important lady to make her appearance. And she is very fussy about who she gets intimate with, so the more of his men for her to choose from, the better.

The worst thing Dave can say to me is “Maybe” or “We’ll see”. This means I have to go about my normal business, pretending I’m not bothered if he puts out or not (when I actually am), and have to wait until his holiness decides I am worthy of his man-seed. When he comes upstairs and we get down to it, I have to hide my glee. And after it is done and he goes to the bathroom to tidy himself up, I give myself a congratulatory pat on the back for a job well done.

But we he outright refuses, or he tries and unsuccessfully finishes (and I’m in no way blaming here – he’s tired and works a very physical job), I have to hide my bitter disappointment. Because I then have to reconcile with the thought that we are probably out for the month. I know it’s not his fault, but when your cycles can push 6 weeks, the chances are fewer and the opportunities smaller. I can’t help but sulk, and want to take revenge when he wants sex later on in the month (when the chances of falling pregnant are nil) by refusing him. All wrong I know. And it never used to be like this. In our early days we were at it like rabbits. Dirty, misbehaving rabbits. But then we grew up, got a mortgage, got hard jobs, worked long hours with 5:30am starts and 10pm bedtimes, took on responsibilities and chores, and sex ends up being low on the pile of priorities.

On two occasions I can think of, it caused an almighty argument, because all the ducks were in a row (temp drop, pinching, fertile CM) and Dave just wasn’t playing ball. This led me to sleeping in the spare room in tears because we were out for another month. Ironically, both of those times the stress of the arguments caused a delay in ovulation by 1 or 2 days, so when the inevitable make-up sex happened the next day we were still in the game to catch the egg.

So men-folk, we women rely on your penises. Don’t make us milk you in your sleep. Put your big boy pants on, get hard, and get it on with your lady. Especially if your lady has irregular cycles and is threatening to withhold blow jobs for the next month if you don’t put out tonight.



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