Having sex gets you pregnant


No, really. To all the teachers, parents, magazines, condom adverts, scaremongering preachers and the like – take your lies and fuck off. If that really was the case, we’d all be pregnant with our 10th child by now.

We were all conned at secondary school when the school nurse demonstrated putting a condom on a banana or cucumber and warned you with the fear-inducing line “It only takes one time.” Does it heck!

Evidently that indeed proved to be true for the teenage mums with 5 kids by 3 different dads, and for those fine examples of natural selection on the Jeremy Kyle show (watching that is not good for my blood pressure), but for the rest of us, it’s a load of bollocks.

When I was 16 and everybody seemed to be shagging behind the bike shed and I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet, that warning was pointless on me. There would be no sex on my horizon for a good couple of years. But I was happy to know that when I DID decide to fall pregnant (because, you pick a date and it happens right?) it would only take the once.

All those years spent avoiding semen and taking the pill were a waste of time! I could have been bathing in tubs of spunk with my legs spread for an hour a day and I still wouldn’t have fallen pregnant. And of course, right when I want to get pregnant, IT’S NOT HAPPENING. I’m having sex, laying still for 20 minutes afterwards, avoiding showering or douching, and hosting single night parties for sperms and eggs in my uterus several times a month and the fuckers aren’t doing their job.

So to all the teenagers out there worried about falling pregnant – don’t. It’s not going to happen.*

*It most certainly will happen, and when it does, you will have hundreds of thousands of women bitching about you on internet forums and blogs because you got pregnant the first time you had sex, and they’re still not pregnant after spreading their legs more frequently than a crack-addicted hooker.

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